My Existence

Mom

230620   01:33 am

I can't get it out of my head. My mom told me today that she raised us wrong because we don't want to work with her. There are several reasons in my head, so let me tell you them

1. I don't like being outside that much

Especially before I used to get very anxious about going outside and just the thought of people made my head spin. I didn't want to be outside, and I didn't want to work even more. I was an even smaller kid than I am now. What kid wants to work?

2. My body doesn't let me.

I can't squat for long periods of time. My legs get tired after a couple of minutes. The inside of my knees (I don't know how to explain/name it better) starts hurting like crazy. It's not even a muscle I can train. It feels more like fabric bunching up in a crease, and it beginning to ache because of that. I don't know if there is a way to train it. I usually just avoid doing it or find a way to do the things I need without squating.
Another thing is my back. My spine is not straight in the slightest, so it's easy for it to start hurting. Working while bending down to the ground is not very good for your back. I know, shocker. I don't want to ruin it even more.

3. No want

When my mom wants to work outside, most of the time, she wants us to help with her flowers. Let me tell it to you straight, I am sick and fucking tired of flowers. Especially those in pots. I don't need more. They have started to make me sick. The amount of small and not so small flower gardens in our property is astounding. There are too many fucking flowers everywhere. I don't like flowers to begin with. Now they are everywhere, and they are being shoved down my throat, and I always hear the words, "You're a girl, how can you not like flowers?" I am so sick and tired of these gender roles. I don't want to work in the garden because I am a girl. That makes no sense. If the flower gardens had flowers I think are pretty, I would be way more likely to go work there. However, most of the flowers in our house are not that pretty to me, and I don't see the point of keeping something that isn't that pretty.

4. Trukt už vadžių vėl iš pradžių

This "taking care of the gardens" needs to happen like every week. I almost never see progress, and if I do, it's gone in a week or 2 because that is how gardens work. I have to continuesly take care of something I don't care about. Why should I?

5. My interests

Gardening has never been my interest. I always liked machines and buildings more interesting than flowers. I can't remember a time when I would choose a show about flowers over a show about architecture or machines or electronics in general.
For this reason, I like working with my dad way more. Not only do I not need to do it again every 2 weeks, but it actually makes our home look better. I would rather watch my dad screw 10 screws than watch my mom repot one flower. That's just not what I am interested in.

6. I

I am an introvert. This means that I like spending time alone rather than with people. I find things to do on my own without my family. I don't want or need to be around my family all the time. Almost every day, I need some alone time to rewind and just be with myself. This time is a must for me, I can get very irritated and just angry when I don't get my alone time. I need time to calm down and unmask.

As you can see, there are many reasons why I don't want to work with her. I used to just be a kid and try not to work because what kid wants to work. Now, I've become more self-aware and started to analyze the world around me and the behaviors of those around me. I know more about myself and others, and I can make wiser decisions.
I don't run away from responsibility the way I used to. I help my mom way more than I used to. I agree to do so much.
I just think she needs to drop some of her little flower gardens because she is falling apart. Flowers are her hobby. Even if it "makes the house look better," it is still a hobby.

240608      11:52 pm

I don't know why I haven't published this, but I'll publish it now.