Angel

12 - Noreen

How bizarre was it that I was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty? Because I didn't feel guilty at all about what had just happened. Not even a little, and that bothered me. I couldn't imagine someone being in a more vulnerable position than Jeremy was, and I took advantage of that. Or, at the very least, I didn't let it slow me down.

There were so many issues. Professional constraints that should have held me back. Ethical concerns about him not being in the right frame of mind to make any major decisions. I just helped create something that might distract him from his child when Ethan needed him the most.

And yet... And yet... I didn't care. Maybe he just needed the release? Maybe he just coveted the distraction? Maybe it wasn't a major decision, just something we did and it was over? Maybe there was no professional ethics to worry about since I was effectively out of the position anyway?

There was plenty to think about as I eased away his arm and went to take a shower. But I didn't think about any of that. There was a part of me that had been sleeping for way too long and had begun to stir when Ethan and Jeremy first walked into my office. I had kept pushing it down, trying to force it to stay slumbering as I closed off my emotions so I wouldn't be hurt again.

I saw how he was with Ethan and how could it not affect me? I pushed it down. He looked like he does and it drove me. I pushed it down. He wanted to give back to the people who helped his son, meanwhile he was dealing with more than anyone could be reasonably asked to handle. It moved me. I pushed it down. I saw how his love made him brave when he was going to get on the horse that terrified him. I pushed it down.

My mother saw it. Inda saw it. I saw it, too. But of the three of us, I was the only one pushing it down, smothering it, keeping my emotions sleeping. Because when I allowed myself to feel something, truly feel, it hurt so damned badly. I couldn't keep doing it, so down I pushed.

Then I sat in my car in front of K1, frightened out of my mind, and got the call from his mother. That door that I kept closed came crashing open. I don't remember how I got to the hospital and I was lucky I remembered where I parked. My heart leapt when I saw Jeremy and all I wanted to do was take away his pain.

And maybe, for a little while, I did.

While I showered, I thought about what would make their lives easier. I could have a grocery delivery service fill his fridge and pantry. Nobody going through what Jere and Ethan deal with should live on bologna sandwiches. I could hire a cleaning service to come by once a week and lighten their load a little.

As I rinsed off and the soap washed down the drain, so did my fantasies. They were pleasant daydreams of how I could swoop in and make their lives better, but it was pure hubris. If someone took it upon themselves to hire a cleaner for me and fill my fridge, I'd be insulted and mortified.

Sighing, I held onto the fleeting emotions my flight into fantasy engendered as I wiped the steam-clouded mirror and stared at myself. I couldn't see anything different. I was just... me. But the difference was real. It felt as if, for the first time in a long time, I was awake. Truly awake.

There was an old wooden chair in Jere's bedroom and on the chair was a stack of papers and shoe boxes. The top box was open and held paperwork and receipts. I moved everything to the floor and sat down. I felt bad about moving his stuff, but I wanted to be near him. Sitting there, I watched him sleep for a few minutes before I took out my phone and scoured my emails.

There was nothing from the insurance company.

I found myself staring at him again. Should I have woken him? There wasn't a black and white answer. He'd have probably said yes and rushed back to the hospital. I could have been a coward and texted his mother to get the answer I knew I wanted, but I didn't. She'd have told me to let him sleep and then I could blame her if he was upset upon waking.