Angel

18 - Noreen

"This feels a little weird. I'm not sure what to call you."

He smiled and it was still devastating. I'd had a school-girl crush on him when I was last here and it was gratifying to know that I had good taste as a teenager. He was almost too handsome to be a therapist. It was distracting.

"Whatever you're comfortable with is fine, Noreen."

"Doctor seems a little formal. Is Phillip okay?"

"Absolutely. So, tell me what you've been doing with your life. Do you still ride?"

I shook my head. "No, not really. I have been lately, but nothing serious. I work in management for the local branch of The Wish Mission and..." I was silent for a moment. "One of our clients, he... I'm sorry." I tried to smile and failed.

"No need to apologize. Take your time."

"Riding and horses was part of what we put together for him. I've been doing enough riding with Ethan to remember how much I loved it. All of it, you know? Not just the riding itself, but bonding with the horses, the structure, the caring for the animals, the smells. Everything."

"Did you help arrange the riding for... It was Ethan?"

"Yes, Ethan. And yes, I did. It's an odd story. He loves Spain, or what he thinks Spain is. The owners where I used to ride had Andalusians. Are you familiar? The Spanish horses?"

"I am. Beautiful animals."

"I called them. They still had them and we arranged for Ethan's trips there."

"How much do you believe what you experienced was part of your decision to bring Ethan there?"

I paused. "What do you mean?"

"Noreen, after what you experienced, horses and riding were your refuge. You started riding almost immediately after losing your cousin. You found solace with the animals and praise for your riding from your mother. That replaced any solace or praise you might have tried to find in your father. Healing comes from hard, consistent work and you put the hours in, but we both know that the path to your healing went through a stable. Were you hoping some of that might rub off on Ethan? Maybe he could benefit as you had?"

"I don't know. Maybe? It seemed like an easy fix. Spain means Andalusians to me, so I reached out. But yeah, maybe."

"Okay. We're getting off on a tangent here. That was my fault. Catch me up on your life post high school."

We spoke for the better part of an hour, with me updating him on my life and relationships, especially with that of my parents.

"We're going to have to wrap this up soon. As great as it is to see you again, why now? Why are you back? What's happened in your life?"

I sighed.

"Noreen?"

"Ethan. And Jeremy. You can't separate the two. He's..." I let out a slow breath. "He's dying. I wasn't prepared. I'd been told that he wasn't terminal, although I know that there is always a chance. Jeremy and I were... um, involved, and when I heard... I started having panic attacks again. And nightmares. I tried to push through, if that makes any sense. Just put your shoulder into it, suck it up and keep going. That's a recipe for disaster."

I stopped speaking and he let the silence fill the room. Finally, I started again.

"It was... It was too much. I told Jeremy that we should stop. Our relationship. I'm not sure how to categorize it." I took in another deep breath. Picking at my fingernails, I wouldn't look at Phillip as I spoke. "It was the most shameful thing I've ever done. What sort of person does that to a man when his son is dying?"