But I Can Fix it...

Pt 9 Someone else

TW Self Harm and talk of suicide. Writer's note: If you are struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide please call the crisis hotline number 988 remember you are not alone.

  The day started out like any other it was around the end of may and Alec was waking up he looked at the rubber band that he kept on his wrist he was told it would help him stop but it didn't really seem to help that much, he didn't do it for attention he did it because he wanted to feel something he faked a lot of his happiness and this was a way to feel something other than broken to him it felt like feeling pain was better than being completely numb. He walked into the small kitchen and there was Penni making a new recipe they got when they went to meet Charlie's parents. "Hey Penni." He said smiling at them. Faking happiness was exhausting but asking for help- no he hated the idea of admitting to needing help. "Oh hi Alec!" They said in a rather excited high pitched voice. "Oh hey try this for me please." They said handing him a bite. "Mhh that is really good." He replied he always liked Italian food so it was no surprise that he liked it. "Ok well I really got to get to class." He said grabbing his school bag and a bit of the food Penni made for lunch. "Love ya!" He said while shutting the door.

  While in his first period he was walking with a bunch of books and tripped over someone's foot. "Oh my god I am so sorry I didn't see you and I guess I tripped." He said while bending down to grab his books. "Hey it's ok I get it." She said sympathetically and also bent down to help him grab his books. When she bent down she noticed a rubber band on his wrist and marks on his legs and connected the dots she was immediately very worried but Alec did not see this since he was picking up his books. She got up and handed Alec his books. "Um I'm Manny and you are?" She asked. "Oh Alec." He replied. "Umm He/Him." He continued. "She/Her." She responded smiling.

  The next day when his first period ended Manny asked if she could talk with him. "So what did you want to talk about?" He asked wanting to get to his next class. "Hey so I saw that you have some marks on your leg and I was just concerned for you I don't know you well but if you need help please come talk to me." She said in a rather worried tone. "No I'm fine." He said not looking at her. "Ok I am just worried is all, no one should have to suffer in silence." She replied with a caring tone. "I'm here if you need anything at all just give me a call." She said handing him her number. She got up from where she was sitting and walked away. He did feel a little bit better knowing that there is someone he can go to, he didn't like hurting himself but he couldn't stop because it was the only way to feel anything other than numb. He sat and thought for a little, then got up and bolted to his next class.

  Sometimes people would have something to say about how he looks sometimes nice but usually mean and horrible words, words that sting like fire and cut deep into his skin Penni thinks his skin is beautiful but the words of those people that call his looks horrible and disgusting get trapped beneath his skin making him feel like he needs to cut them out of himself the deep stinging pain of a sharp knife almost feels like freedom from those words that would taunt him and follow everyway he goes. "Hey? Hey!" Penni yelled snapping him out of a deep almost dissociative like episode. "Hey are you ok I was trying to get your attention for like five minutes." They said concerned for him. They had seen something like this before with him when they were in highschool it would be like he just disappeared leaving only a shell behind. "Oh yeah totally." He said kind of absent-mindedly. "Ok." They said scared and concerned for their best friend.

  That night Alec was kept awake thinking about why he feels the way he does cause for him sometimes he just wants to disappear from the world like it would just be easier to be someone else and sometimes he thought about just ending it all but he never could not for him but he just couldn't do that to Penni that's the person who makes him want to wake up in the morning he hated the fact that he puts all that on Penni even if they don't know. He was gonna try to stop hurting himself, really try. He was gonna get some help but he wouldn't tell Penni because he didn't want them to deal with the weight of it all.

Writer's note: This one has a lot less talking and is really heavy but I felt like it was an important topic to talk about I hope this gets to the right people and that it helps someone