| university | d.h

| nine |

// Alex //

"Jesus Christ"
I mutter under my breath, rounding the corner quickly and giving myself a light slap to the forehead. Embarrassment pulls at my stomach when I remember the look on Dan's face when I lied to him. He could definitely tell that I was making something up to avoid him, because I am a horrible lier, and a horrible person. But, he's even more horrible, I tell myself over and over in my head to calm my nerves. I'm just protecting myself. We're not good for each other, I shouldn't be hanging out with him. I did not come all the way here from America to let a stupid boy ruin my plans. I force the thoughts through my head like a river, trying to drown the underlying fact of my shitty personality and pretend that Dan really is a bad guy and I'm not making the whole thing up to make myself feel like less of an asshole. I let out one more huff of breath and pick my bag up off of the floor, rushing down the hall to find a room to hide in.
The first thing I see is the library, which I haven't been to before today, but have been planning to visit. The wooden doors are heavy and as soon as I pull them open I am full with the smell of old books and natural light from the huge windows. It reminds me of the library back home, where Tillie and I used to work. Tillie, of course, didn't need the job, but we have always made a point of doing absolutely everything together, so she applied with me regardless of her family's never-ending cash flow. We loved it, or at least I did, I got along well with the librarian - who brought me Starbucks to work every Saturday - and being surrounded by books calmed me down without fail. It crushed all of my anxiety and stress. The library was my home away from home, until Tillie started complaining. All of a sudden she hated the job and the people and the waking up at seven in the morning every weekend. I got fed up after a few weeks and told her to quit, even though I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to handle doing it alone. I was too used to Tillie being with me to hold my hand through everything that I did, the idea of working without her to solve my problems for me was terrifying. She was my security blanket - she still is. Regardless of my love for my job, I quit three days after she did.
This library is much, much bigger than the one back home, but it seems familiar and nice and for the first time since I arrived in London I feel completely comfortable somewhere besides our room.
Before class, I had planned to text Tyler afterwards and ask him to pick me up - he had offered me lunch and a thorough tour of campus - but I slide my phone into my purse instead and walk through the shelves of books. I drag my fingers along the spine of each one, glancing at the titles. When I reach the animal section, I pull out three different ones about the anatomy of cats and dogs and look around for a table to sit at. Every corner of the spacious room is full of students, dotted all the way along the walls and seating section in various sizes of groups, some laughing and paying no attention to the open books on the table in front of them, and others concentrating hard, sharing notes and highlighting important details in near silence. There are a few people sitting alone, as well, at single sized desk spaces with dividers in between. I side shift to check for an open one, but they are all taken.
Nervousness bites at my stomach, and I wish for the thousandth time today that Tillie was with me right now, to save me the awkwardness of this situation. Tillie could walk up to any person in this room and ask them to make space for us, she could strike up a conversation with anyone about anything without them even realizing what was happening. Tillie was smooth and calm in situations like this, even while so far away from home. I am not, not here, anyway. I was comfortable in the states, where I had my old house and my parents and my old friends, there was no reason for me to stray out of my comfort zone as often as I've done here in the past few weeks. There was also no reason for me to make new friends, or be stuck in a room full of people with no one to talk to. For the first time since I got off the flight to my new life, I feel lonely. This is new, too new, and it doesn't sit well with me.
"Hey, you good?"
I glance down and my gaze falls on a tall girl with sandy coloured hair and a stud in her nose, sitting at a table a few feet away from me.
"You look kinda spooked."
She slides the hand that she was gripping my arm with off, looking at me expectantly. Her eyes are green, or maybe blue, and wide and friendly.
"Yeah, I'm fine,"
I force a laugh.
"Just zoned out a little."
Catching the sleeve of my sweater between my fingers, I roll it between them subconsciously, trying to think of something else to say. The girl nods, looking down for a moment at the book in front of her. The Fashionista's Guide to Texture.
"That seat is free, if you need it."
She points across the table from her at the opposite side, which is empty. I smile and shuffle into the seat, feeling a lot more comfortable now that I am no longer standing in the middle of the library like a lost puppy.
"I'm Katrina, by the way."
A thin, pale arm stretches across the length of the table towards me, and I take her small hand in mine.
"Alex,"
Katrina smiles and nods again, pulling her arm back and turning her attention to the book in front of her. I open one of mine and start to read, falling into the relaxing routine of flipping pages and blocking out the world around me. We talk a little bit, in between chapters, and she shows me some funny pictures in her books.
After a good half an hour of comfortable studying, Katrina slams her book shut with a sigh, and I jump in my seat at the sudden noise, a scream catching in my throat.
"Sorry dude,"
Katrina's laughing, and I can feel the blush heating my cheeks as I close my own book, tucking my hair behind my ears and letting out a little laugh myself.
"Do you want to go grab some lunch? I'm starving."
I nod, picking my bag up off of the floor and thanking the universe for sending me someone to hang out with, seeing as I am also starving but have no idea where Tillie is and really don't want to visit the cafeteria alone.
"So, where are you from? You have an accent."
Katrina asks while we're walking. The amount of British people that have commented on my accent since arriving here is immense, and I find it hilarious every time.
"America, yeah. I needed a change of scenery, I guess."
She nods and smiles, and then we part ways to different shops to get our lunch. I settle with a plain salad and some ice tea and work my way through the crowd to a free table for two in the middle of the room. Katrina takes much longer to join, and I wait anxiously, twiddling my thumbs and analyzing the huge amount of people around me. I'm still getting used to the crazy population of this school, and usually me and Tillie eat in to avoid outings like this.
"So,"
Katrina starts once she finally reaches our table, popping the lid off of a bowl of soup and digging in.
"What are you studying?"
We talk about our degrees and classes and which boys are cute, and discover that we're in the same math course together and promise to sit with each other next day. It's refreshing to talk to someone bedsides Tillie or Dan, and it takes a lot of effort to hide my excitement over making a new potential friend.
When we're both done our food and cleaned up, we exchange phone numbers and agree to hang out at some point the next week before she excuses herself to get to her next class and I head back to the dorm to switch out my books.
Tillie is still nowhere to be found when I arrive, and I only stop in for a few minutes to pick up my science books before beginning my walk to the labs. I shoot Tillie a quick text, asking her when she'll be back and whether or not she's going to dinner with Phil tonight. She doesn't respond before the start of class, and I ignore the annoyed feeling bubbling in my stomach and pretend that I don't think she spends too much time out with Phil.
When I arrive back at the room after two hours of dissections and lab reports, there is still no trace that Tillie has even entered the dorm within the last seven hours, and I dial her number on my phone, flopping onto my mattress. Voicemail. What the fuck.
Pissed off, lonely, and a little bit hurt, I text Tyler and ask if he's busy. He responds within minutes, telling me that he's on his way. I pull my hair up out of my face, and a jacket on over my dress, grabbing my bag and heading to the parking lot without leaving Tillie a note.
Tyler is already parked when I arrive, and gets out of the car to hug me and open my door.
"So, beautiful, how have you been?"
I smile at the sound of his cheery voice, buckling my seatbelt and telling him about my day. Even though it has only been a few days since I last seen Tyler, I missed hanging out with him, seeing as he is one of the only friends I've made since touching down in England.
After I'm finished, Tyler tells me about a new cute boy in his social networking course that he thinks is flirting with him, and about the awkward eye contact that he made with Troye Sivan at a party last night. I don't even realize that we're driving until we stop in the lot of a restaurant that I don't recognize. The place is crazy busy and absolutely flooded with students from the university, which I can see from our parking spot. I notice plenty of kids from class on the walk up the stairs to the building, and it seems like every person from the school is in attendance.
Tyler and I pick a seat by the window and look over the menu together, talking about our week.
"So, anything new with Dan?"
Tyler asks, wiggling his eyebrows for effect and playing with the end of his straw.
"No, I-I mean maybe. We went on a date I guess..."
Tyler perks up at the sound of the word 'date', sitting up straight in his chair and placing both of his elbows on the table between us, leaning in close to me.
"Tell me more."
I explain the whole ordeal about the movie and everything that came after it, and how many mixed signals I have accidentally sent by holding hands with Dan one day and blatantly ignoring him the next.
"Why are you still ignoring him, anyway?"
I set my head in my hands and sigh, trying to find an answer to the question I've been asking myself all day.
"You saw him at that party, he obviously has other motives that I don't want to be a part of."
I say, hoping that I sound convincing but knowing that I don't. I can tell by the look on Tyler's face that he is not buying my bullshit.
"Okay, you know that I am always on your side, but I do think that you're being a little bit ridiculous. In his defence, he was shitfaced and he hasn't seemed to be anything but sweet to you since then. Don't you think you're over reacting a little bit?"
I know that Tyler's right, and that I am being stupid by completely ignoring Dan for no real reason, but apparently it's hard for me to be anything but an asshole towards Dan.
"Do you really think I'm being dumb?"
Tyler says nothing and takes a sip of his soda, raising his eyebrows at me, and I know what his answer is.
A waiter brings us a huge plate of fries and tops off our cokes, and we eat in silence for a few minutes until a burst of laughter draws my attention to a table across the room. Around ten boys sit in a booth a few meters away from Tyler and I, laughing hysterically and banging their fists against the dark wood of the table. I don't recognize any of them until my gaze settles on Dan, who has clearly seen me and is staring at me, shocked.
"Shit."
I groan, trying to hide myself behind Tyler's head.
"What, what?"
He turns and looks behind him, curious, but also clearly excited by the possibility of drama.
"He's here, turn around."
I pull at Tyler's shirt across the table, forcing him to look forward again and stop drawing attention to us. Just what I fucking need. 
"What's the big issue?"
Tyler asks.
"I told him I couldn't do dinner tonight because I was studying,"
I hide my face in my palms again, horrified, but it's too late. I see Dan's huge shoes approaching from between my fingers.
"Hi!"
Tyler giggles, greeting Dan. 
"Alex."
I look up and meet the clear brown of his eyes for the hundredth time today.
"Funny seeing you here,"
I offer, and across the table Tyler stifles a laugh with the heel of his hand.
"Ha ha,"
Dan mocks, not looking the least bit impressed with my joke.
"Do you fucking hate me or something? Why are you avoiding me like the fucking plague?"
Tyler laughs harder and I kick his shin under the table.
"No I don't hate you. I just..."
"You just what, Alex?"
Dan crosses his arms over his built chest, staring down at me. I try to think of something to say that won't humiliate me completely.
"I just don't think we're good together, y'know?"
"No I don't know, because I think we're fucking great together and I can't understand why you make up bogus lies to get away from me! If you really don't like me at all just fucking tell me! Help me understand."
Dan's voice has raised a few over the usual volume, and he is starting to spark the attention of the tables on our sides. Tyler is laughing so hard his eyes are watering.
"Their not bogus lies Dan! You invited me somewhere and then made out with someone else while I was in the room! You're a bit of an ass!"
His face falls for a few moments, but he recovers quickly. I pretend not to notice the blush on his neck and try not to think about whether or not I hurt his feelings.
"I know I'm an ass! I thought we were past that,"
He scratches the back of his neck nervously.
"But I haven't been an ass, which is why you should let me take you out again. I thought we had fun."
I sigh again, trying not to remember how much fun I really did have, or the conversation that I just had with Tyler. I avoid his eyes, the eyes that have caved me so many times before. Eventually, it doesn't even take the stupid beauty of his eyes to convince me, only the cold, hard, fact that I am really the one that is being an asshole.
"Okay. Let's just start over."
I say eventually, ignoring Tyler across from me, who is still cracking up.
"Okay, deal."
Our eyes meet again.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
I nod and he hurries back to his table, rejoining all of his friends who greet him with slaps to the back and bursts of laughter.
I reach over to lightly punch Tyler on the shoulder. His face is a deep shade of red and he looks like he's having a hard time providing his laughing fit with enough oxygen to breath properly.
"Don't hurt yourself, asshole."
He laughs harder.
"I fucking hate you."

hey hey!!!! so I realize that I forgot to tell all of you that I was leaving for three weeks on a trip, so I apologize for that. but thank you so so much for all of the support and positive comments on the last chapter, I really love you all to death. I'm so sorry to keep you waiting this long, I really am.
please comment, because I love to talk to you guys, and vote and yadda yadda
I love you all to the moon and back!!!!!!!!!