| university | d.h

| eleven |

// Alex //

My stomach is still uneasy from my awkward conversation with Dan at the restaurant. I'm embarrassed by the realization that all our problems thus far have solely been cause by me, being a little bit of a piece of shit for no reason what so ever. I've come to understand that it is possible that the only reason I blew Dan off so many times was because I didn't want to admit to myself that I liked him. He's usually decently sweet, and while he does seem like a douche bag occasionally, I don't know him well enough to decide that for myself.
I'd like to consider this whole fiasco less of a second chance and more of me finally smarting up. Seeing as Dan never really did anything to blow the first chance.
The car ride to the bar is surprising comfortable, the presence of Tyler and the divider of the seat between Dan and I works wonders for my rising awkwardness. Phil's car smells like cinnamon and dust today, thanks to a new air freshener, and it reminds me of my mom's old perfume and calms me down quite a bit. It's dark by now, and if I were driving with anyone else I would take out my phone and snap some pictures of the lights and buildings, but I resist the urge. Tyler sings for the entire ride, too, (mainly Tori Kelly) and Phil's smile is practically tattooed to his face. I don't realize for far too long that Tillie had told me not long ago that she was out with Phil, when in fact I am out with Phil. This raises the hairs on the back of my neck, and although I am pissed about the blatant lying, I send her a text anyway to make sure that she's okay. I open my mouth to bring it up to Phil, but my nerves kick in and I choose to mind my own business instead. When we finally pull up the bar, Tyler drags me out of the car by my hand, rushing inside before Dan or Phil can even exit the vehicle. Maybe he saw some cute boys walk in before us, Tyler only ever runs if there's cute boys involved.
The inside of the bar is painted dark colors and much larger than it looks from the outside. Crowds litter the entire outside area around the dance floor, which is also packed with other college students and a few people I've seen from class. The staff is made up of a bunch of young hipsters in low cut tops and bow ties, and large television screens playing top 40 music videos hang from pillars all over the room. Phil said the place was new, the hardwood floors are not yet scuffed and everything seems to be in fantastic working condition still. It still smells like new paint, which  is intensified by the strong scent of alcohol from behind the bar. Overall, this place is a lot nicer than some of the trashy bars Tillie has dragged me too over the years.
"This is fucking hilarious,"
Tyler's giggling again. We find seats at the bar, not too far from where the group that Dan was with are standing so they'll be able to find us later.
"You literally lied to get away from him, and then by the grace of God just happened to run into him, and now you're letting him take you out again. I mean, honestly I'm team Dan, but this is just fucking hilarious."
I tune out, swirling the straw in my drink around and staring over at the large group of boys a few feet away from us. Dan and Phil have come in from the car and are deep in conversation with the guy whose name I think might be Dalton.
Dan is wearing the same black pants that he has been every time that I've seen him so far, with the leather jacket that I secretly kind of like and a white tee underneath. He looks a quite a bit like Danny Zucko, which makes me laugh a little externally, which brings Tyler's eyebrows in towards each other. He follows my gaze over to Dan and starts to laugh and poke fun about how much I obviously like him, which is completely false. Unless you count an indescribable desire to rake my hand through his hair a sign of crushing. Dan does this for me, however, pushing his fringe out of the way with his fingers casually, completely unknowing that he looks good while he does it. The admittance to myself that I might like Dan feels almost relieving, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't like allowing myself the pleasure to stare at him shamelessly and admire the way he turns his eyebrow stud back and forth when he's deep in thought.
"Let's go talk to them,"
Tyler says, quieter than usual, thank god. 
"You've been sitting here staring for long enough. Besides, I wanna piece of Phil."
I mumble out a little groan that turns into a laugh. Tyler will hit on anything that has two legs and pretty eyes.
Tyler pushes the group apart to include us in the circle, and even though the action makes me incredibly uncomfortable I squeeze my way in between Dan and Tyler as casually as I can and try to pick up on the conversation that the group is having.
"Hey!"
The tall one across from me is loud and I resist the urge to stick my fingers in my ears.
"It's Alex, right?"
I don't realize that he's talking to me for far too long, so long that I look possible ditsy. By the time that I perk up to the sound of my name, the door for conversation has almost passed. Awkwardly, as per usual, I look forward and try to keep my eyes on the boy in front of me and pretend that I'm not incredibly embarrassed. 
"Uh, yeah. It's Alex."
I have to clasp my hands in front of me to avoid covering my face. Tyler shifts nervously beside me. I can almost hear him talking inside my head. Don't be weird, Alex, don't be weird.
"So how are you and Dan doing? How's the se-"
"Let's go get some air,"
Dan's hand is around my wrist and yanking me away before the tall boy can finish his sentence. In three seconds flat cold air hits me like a brick and I hear Dan push the door to the bar closed behind us. I pull my arm away and take a few steps back, rubbing my wrist.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"
I shake my head, my mind reeling from the previous events.
"What the fuck was that? Where's the fire, Dan?"
The left side of Dan's mouth tweaks up into a small smirk, and I find my desire  to go back inside fading. It's completely black outside now, nothing but dark where there should be visible stars. I remember being able to see stars every night. I never truly appreciated them until I moved to this huge city, where their no longer visible.
"Sorry. It was...hot in there."
I choose not to respond, seeing as his behaviour still seems odd to me, regardless of the explanation.
"Anywho, you know what I'm craving?"
I raise my eyebrows, using the conversation as an excuse to take in every detail of his eyes, the way that they look more like amber than chocolate under the streetlights.
"Ice cream,"
I raise a hand up to muffle my laugh.
"Dan it's freezing, how could you want ice cream?"
His one sided smirk is a full smile now, the kind that reaches his eyes and crinkles them at the corners, the kind that I only get the pleasure of seeing very rarely.
"Are you in?"
I laugh again, but nod.
"Besides, I think Phil and Tyler could use some alone time,"
Dan jokes, reaching for my hand just like he had the last time we'd been out together. This time I feel more comfortable, I don't worry about the pressure of my hand against his or whether or not it's sweating or shaking.
We walk like this, swinging our hands in between us, Dan pulling me along and me following with no idea where we're headed. 
Everything is easier this time, I don't feel like I have to try as hard to read Dan, and he's significantly less angsty than he usually is, which is a bonus. He seems to not have control over his mouth today, and I spent the next fifteen minutes listening to him rant about new films and whether or not the rotten tomato critic reviews are accurate or not. I try to listen, but am more concentrated on the feeling of his hand around me, the way that he subconsciously moves his thumb over mine every once and a while. For the first time since I met him, he makes my stomach turns in a way that isn't bad.
When we finally stop walking, we're in front of a very small, locally owned ice cream shop with pink and yellow roof shingles and bright blue door. The appearance of it alone makes me wonder what ever brought Dan to this place, which so far seems like the polar opposite of anything that'd he'd like. Bright colours and sunshine don't really seem to be his thing.
"Okay, are you ready for the best ice cream of your entire life up to this point?"
I nod, trying to not to smile too stupidly.
Dan doesn't let go of my hand, even after we enter the shop, which is decorated with chalkboards and sunflower decals on the walls. It has old retro black and white tile floors and only one staff member on the floor, seeing as it's twenty after ten p.m.
"This place is always open late. It's usually quite the hot spot for drunk college kids,"
Dan smiles, wide, with all of his teeth, and drags me up to the viewing freezers, resting our intertwined hands on the counters on top.
"What can I get for you guys?"
The employee wipes her hands off on her apron and slips on a new pair of gloves. I madly scan the tubs of ice cream below us, trying to pick a flavour.
"I'll have one scoop of chocolate and one of bubble gum on a waffle cone, please. And the lady will have.."
He raises his eyebrows at me expectantly.
"The same, thank you."
The girl behind the counter nods and grabs a scoop to get to work on our orders.
Dan and I choose a booth in the corner by the door. Christmas lights are hung above it, and there's construction paper laid out on the table and a pack of crayons off to the side. I doodle a portrait of Dan while he waits for our ice cream, staring over at him to get the details of face just right. The placement of his lip ring and the casual lean of his body against the counter.
When he joins me again, I finally realize exactly what I ordered.
"Really Dan? Bubblegum? You're such a child,"
I can't quite contain my amusement or laughter  towards the fact that the full grown, six foot tall man sitting across from me ordered bubblegum ice cream off the kids menu.
"Let's not forgot that you got the same thing!"
He argues, dragging a spoon across the side of his cone and popping it into his mouth.
"I panicked and copied you! I had not idea what I want getting into! And you're eating it with a spoon?"
I have to pause for laughter, rest my forehead on the table.
"You're such a weirdo,"
My giggling fit takes over until I'm mostly laughing despite myself and Dan can't help but join in as well. I haven't laughed, really laughed, for quite a while since I got here, time with Tyler being the only exception. And it feels really, really good.
By the time I sit back up, Dan has completely covered his corner of the paper with small doodles of trees and mountains and planets and stars, all artfully put in just the right spot and shaded perfectly.
"You didn't tell me that you draw,"
I smile, taking in the details.
"Neither did you,"
Dan says, softer than his usual tone, his gaze trained on the tiny little picture of him on my side of the paper that I somehow forgot to scribble away. I can feel the blush raise to the surface of my cheeks and I bring my elbow onto the table to cover it, but Dan grabs interlocks out fingers again and pulls my arm away.
"No, I like it."
He smiles again, and for the first time I allow myself to stare into them and look at all of the stars that they hold and be mesmerized by it. I don't know how long we sit like this, or when his face starts to get so close to mine that I can no longer see his eyes. My senses overload -he smells good, a little bit like old spice- and his fringe is so close that I can feel it on my forehead. And then I pull away, fast.
"Oh fuck, I'm sorry,"
Dan sits up straight in his car away. I stand, resisting the urge to run away before my situation can get any more awkward.
"No it's fine,"
I manage to stutter out.
"We should probably head back, Tyler will be missing me,"
He nods, and stands, keeping his distance from me this time around. Everything is how it was before, his face is hard again, I can't tell what he's thinking.
"Can I keep this?"
I rest my hand on his doodles, an attempt to clear the awkward air.
"Only if I can keep yours."
He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes and he doesn't show his teeth.
I carefully rip off the corner, fold it up, and slide it into my jean pocket. Dan does the same for mine.
After the last bite of my ice cream cone is gone we make our way back outside into the cold air. The walk back to the bar is quieter and less comfortable than before, which is entirely my fault. No mater how much I think that I'm starting to like Dan, I've never been one to kiss boys that I hardly know, and I am not about to start now. The fact that Dan is so open to kissing me regardless of the fact that he doesn't even know my name yet bothers me immensely. Maybe my previous assumptions about Dan were not wrongfully accused after all.
I reach for his hand anyway to ease both of our discomfort. He doesn't squeeze it like he usually does, but he doesn't pull away.
When we get back to the bar it's a little passed eleven and all of Dan's friends are shitfaced. Phil and Tyler, still remotely sober, are sitting across from each other at a booth, chatting casually and keeping watch on the other boys. The group welcomes Dan and I back immediately, and before I can escape over to the quiet booth where Tyler is, the same tall boy from before grabs my arm.
"Where were y'two?"
He's slurring heavily and a little wobbly. 
"Off doin the dirty again? You guys better watch yourself, we don't need any little Daniels running around quite yet."
He laughs, hysterically, and my face heats up incredibly fast.
"Oh no, we're not.."
I stumble over my words looking over to Dan quite a few feet away chatting with some other friends.
"That's not what he told all of us! "
He's still laughing, louder now. Drawing attention. My blood starts to boil.
"Did you hear that guys? Dan and new girl are doin' the dirty. Go Dan!"
Dan's looking over here now, and before I can even consider giving him the benefit of the doubt, an expression lands on his face that tells me everything I need to know. Guilt, embarrassment maybe. Everyone in a ten foot radius is looking at me and laughing, as if they aren't surprised. As if I'm just another one of his fuck toys, which is exactly what I told myself I wouldn't be.
The embarrassing that courses through me turns into white hot rag, and all of a sudden my feet are moving and all of a sudden Tall Boy's drink is in my hand, and then it's in Dan's face. I give him no chance to respond before rushing to Tyler's booth, grabbing his hand, and dragging him out of the bar. The tears don't start until we're a block away.

a/n: this is nooooot edited oops :)))
thank you guys so much for sticking around!!!!!! im so glad to be back. hopefully this is long enough to make up for some of my hiatus, once again, im so sorry
please don't forget to comment, id love to chat with you all ❤️