Percentile || Ateez

100%

    This was one of the only days where the man was left alone. The members had gone out for a time but Seonghwa felt entirely too weighed down for some reason. He couldn't place his finger as to why but his heart felt as though it had been sunk to the bottom of a river, stuck underneath the largest boulder someone could've found. He had no motivation to do anything he loved that day, he simply sat in the darkness of his dorm room.

   San had purchased his roommate a new bunny stuffed animal, yet Seonghwa couldn't bear to hold the present when he felt such a weight in his chest. Yeosang had purchased him a new game that the older had been asking for quite a while and yet every time the younger asked if he wanted to play together he couldn't bring himself to pick up his controller. Mingi had attempted to bring his member with him to dance for a bit, to keep their energy up in between promotions and yet it was as if Hwa had no interest in performing anymore. Wooyoung had even attempted to bring Seonghwa out to do one of the Lego sets he had of a show they both liked and yet the eldest still declined because he felt too exhausted.

   He couldn't wrap his head around it. Why couldn't he find joy in so many things that would typically bring a smile to his face. Things he would do on his own sometimes and manage to be content in. Things he would typically invite the other members to do because he wanted to spend time with them. Now it was their turn trying to drag the eldest out of his room and... it wasn't working. He couldn't bring himself to leave his room. The room he kept dark, the same songs playing over and over and over again. No matter what was going on, the same five songs played as if each time one repeated it wove a blanket over the other that kept him sane or at least kept him feeling safe. Safe in his own skin, his own space, his own thoughts. It felt as though if the security crumbled he would follow shortly behind and he didn't want to do that.

   The members would take turns checking in on their hyung during the day. While they were out he would even receive almost routine text messages or phone calls, as if they had a timer in order to keep track of checking in on Seonghwa. While it was endearing, it also partially made him feel bad. Was the hole he was in really that deep that they were this concerned? He wanted to crawl out of it. That's all he wanted to do was crawl out and come back with his bouncy smile but it wasn't that simple. He saw the light above him, though it was faint it was there and the others were all there, their hands extended out to him. It sucked because they felt too far to reach. Rather than six feet deep it was eighteen, rather than dead he was suffocating under the depth in which he was at. He hated the feeling of his lungs trapped, of his heart trapped under the space between the sun and his own hand. His hand reaching as far as it could though it was like they grew farther and farther away the more he reached. No matter how much he stretched his hand, no matter how high he jumped or climbed it was like he never moved.

   He hated this trapped feeling, this overbearing weight that he couldn't shake off no matter how hard he tried. No matter how much he fought it always came swinging back at him and all he wanted was for it to stop. For it to let go of him for the rest of his days. He missed how easy it was to breathe, how his skin felt like it was nothing, how close the light and the members' hands were. At the state he was in he would give anything to get it back, whatever anyone bargained with him he'd be prone to blindly take it despite any potential backlash or any of the fineprint conditions. He just wanted the warmth back, the ease, the light.