Percentile || Ateez

19%

   The rate at which his tears flowed rapidly increased, hindering his breathing as a direct result of said outburst. His chest felt just as heavy as when the day started. It hurt like hell. The emotional pain he was feeling translated into physical pain. It killed him and he didn't know what to do about it except to sit there and sob.

   Sob out in hopes that maybe the members were on their way home and they just didn't tell him. Like it was a surprise for their eldest member. Sob out until he lost his voice so that maybe he could suffer in silence finally. Sob until he grew physically tired and so that he might sleep so that he could shut his thoughts up safely and not in the way that he heavily considered. He wanted to stay here with his members, the people that made him the happiest on this planet. To stay with the people that helped him to grow more comfortable in his own skin and appreciate himself for all that he was. Despite this, it was all growing entirely too much to bear.

   He was starting to wonder truly how much he would be able to take. Why did this have to weigh so heavily on him? Why couldn't he bounce back like he usually could? Why did he have to struggle so much? Why did he consider such extremes as the only way to deal with it?

   The thoughts of all his members began to fly through him as if perfectly timed for his breakdown: San laughing with him as they did Lego sets together, Yeosang gushing to him about his drones because it's one of his hyperfixations and major interests, Wooyoung being playfully affectionate with him all the time because he knows Seonghwa is shy and doesn't know how to show it sometimes, Yunho always randomly checking in with Seonghwa when he had an inkling something was wrong or he simply just wanted to spend time with Hwa, Mingi randomly dragging Seonghwa with him to the practice room to help him with some choreo or to just goof around together. It all made the pain unravel tenfold and his chest felt as though it were being stabbed again and again and again. It was growing unbearable, Seonghwa's tears felt never ending and he didn't know when the others were getting home.

   His head was pounding due to both his cries and his thoughts. His hope of making it till his members got home slowly but surely diminishing into little to nothing. Seonghwa's heart cried out to him for the sake of the members. His lifelines. He didn't want to leave them behind, not now and not ever but he didn't want to burden them with how he'd been lately.

   The debate grew louder and harder to consider. His brain was yelling at him to bring himself peace, silence. It was tired of the constant thoughts he'd been having and it was getting to a point where he felt as though if he was having the thoughts he might as well commit to them shouldn't he? His heart was yelling on behalf of the members. He wouldn't be able to handle them being upset because of him, them suffering because of Seonghwa but it felt as though that was already happening while he was alive. The check in calls and texts, the constant poking in, the concern they all tried to disguise as simple fun. It hurt him... it hurt him deeply and he didn't know what to do with the pain that stung him this deep.

   The hole felt like it was growing deeper. The sun and his members' hands growing ever distant as Seonghwa himself grew desperate, helpless. He could hear their voices cry out to him with smiles on their faces as there always were. His vision growing blurry as he desperately reached out to grab their hands, any of them. He clawed at the dirt walls that surrounded him, the suffocation he was experiencing becoming unbearable. Before long the light because an invisible spec among the dark and his members' voices fell silent. 

   Seonghwa was now alone.