The Ghost of You - A YokAyan Story

Chapter 3: Differences

AYAN's POV

The sensation of wind brushing against my face and the comforting warmth of someone in my arms filled me with exhilaration. It had been years since I felt such freedom and security, precisely six years since Akk. The thought gave me a momentary pause, hoping Yok hadn't noticed.

Recalling my sleepless night, I had delved into extensive online research about doppelgangers and Yok. However, I couldn't find much about his personal life apart from his time as an active member of ROL. His social media accounts provided little insight, showcasing only one family member – his ailing mother – and featuring his gang members Sean, Gram, and White, along with some stolen shots of Gumpa at the garage, and even a few of Black. The rest of his posts consisted of artwork, scenery, some of the protests he has participated in and motorcycles. I gained little information from there, but my huge eye bags were a testament to my efforts. Exhausted, I accepted Yok's offer to take me home, longing to return to the comforts of my own place as soon as possible.

Since this morning, I couldn't help but notice the distinctions between Akk and Yok. Well I was looking for them to be honest. Beyond their physical appearance, they appeared as two entirely different individuals. Akk exuded solemnity and stiffness, whereas Yok's expression was often open, and his personality lively and flirtatious. Akk would dress in tidy polo shirts and well-pressed pants, whereas Yok preferred ripped jeans and loose tank tops that not only showcased his muscular arms but also displayed his various intriguing tattoos. His arms and clothes bore smudges of various paints or charcoal. Even their eyes, though identical, held different expressions. Akk's eyes reflected a perpetually startled deer, innocent and burdened by the world, while Yok's sparkled with the impression of someone who had witnessed and experienced countless things, too profound to speak of and too wise to be deemed innocent. Yok's way of speaking was also vastly different from anything Akk would ever entertain. Akk's silent demeanor, more of a listener, differs widely from Yok's effortlessly worn smile, who prefers to engage nonstop in discussions on a wide range of topics, making me wonder how he managed to concentrate on his artwork. Yet, when he worked, Yok exhibited a similar level of intense focus as Akk, perhaps where their similarities start and end.. It was as if the world vanished, leaving only him and his painting. For all that, my curiosity grew, and for the first time since meeting Yok, I felt a pang of guilt towards my memories of Akk, which I had clung to for six long years. Is it wrong to feel this way, Akk? I sighed and rested my head on Yok's back, unable to resist the urge to close my heavy, weary eyes.

YOK's POV

I could feel Ayan's weight gradually leaning against my back. Was he asleep? Glancing at the address he had given me, we were only about five minutes away from his house. I checked if his arms were still securely wrapped around my waist, worried that he might slip. I called out, "Aye? Ayan?" No response. It seemed he had indeed fallen asleep. The realization brought a smile to my face. Among all the things a man could do with me, literally falling asleep was not one of them. Should I be angry or flattered that he felt that comfortable in my presence?

Curiosity about this intriguing man overwhelmed me, so after parking the motorcycle, I gently touched his arms to wake him up. "Aye, we've arrived at your place." He groggily awakened and apologized, mentioning that he hadn't slept well the previous night and the wind was so relaxing that he dozed off. "Well, if you're truly sorry, why don't you invite me in and maybe offer me some instant ramen? I'm famished and don't want to wait until I get home," I teased. "After all, I'm your charge. Can you at least feed me before sending me off?" To my surprise, he actually responded, "Yeah, you can come up, but all I have is instant ramen, literally. I can't cook. If you want, we could go somewhere else to eat?" he offered. "Nah, instant ramen is fine," I replied, following him to his apartment. He opened the door to a decently sized one-bedroom apartment with a small kitchen and living room. "Come in," he said, gesturing for me to enter as he headed to the kitchen to start boiling water for the ramen. "Make yourself at home" I heard him say.

As I approached the couch, my attention was drawn to the collection of picture frames on the side table. Curiosity piqued, I picked up one that showcased a group of five boys, all wearing grins and striking various poses in what appeared to be a campsite, one of them being Ayan. "Are these your friends?" I inquired, glancing in Ayan's direction. He nodded and replied, "They're my best friends. That photo was taken about three years ago when we took a trip to Chiang Mai during summer break. Those are Khan, Thua, Wat, and Namo." He went on to share the story behind the picture.

As I absorbed the tale, my focus was captivated by another photo, slightly larger than the rest. It depicted a boy in a school uniform feeding a dog. The image seemed candid, and as I peered closer, I nearly lost my grip as I recognized the smiling face that bore an uncanny resemblance to mine. Could it be Akk? Lost in my thoughts, I failed to notice that Ayan had approached, and he softly remarked, "Oh, that's Akk. It was taken during our senior year of high school. He was so engrossed in feeding Singto that he didn't realize I was taking the photo. Isn't he handsome?" Ayan's wistful gaze at the photo stirred emotions I don't even want to acknowledge. He still harbored feelings for that guy, so why did he leave? I didn't have the courage to directly ask him about the truth behind this doppelganger of mine, fearing it would worsen the already somber mood. Instead, I chose to lighten the atmosphere with a joke. "Does that mean I'm handsome too?" I quipped. Ayan responded with an "Oh" and joined me in laughter, seemingly catching the reference to our identical faces. I gently placed the photo back down as he informed me that the food was ready.

Being in Ayan's company feels incredibly effortless. He is a person with whom conversation flows easily, and it seems like he has endless patience to engage with me. Even during moments of silence, there is a comfortable serenity between us. I had lost count of how many times the thought of kissing those lips—those incredibly attractive lips that now slurped on ramen while animatedly talking—crossed my mind. God, I hadn't felt such a strong attraction in a long time, or perhaps ever. I'm known for having very little self-control when I develop feelings for someone, as evidenced by my thoughtless pursuit of Dan prior. Now, Looking into Ayan's sparkling eyes, I could definitely already sense my impending doom. I get the feeling I have already lost the battle before it even began. Oh Ayan.