The Ghost of You - A YokAyan Story

Chapter 5: Am I in a hotpot?

AYAN's POV

The kiss took my breath away, leaving my mind in a haze where coherent thoughts were impossible to form. The taste of tobacco from that cigarette he was smoking earlier and the sweetness that is inherently Yok's left me reeling with both yearning and lust. It's been so long since I had felt this kind of intimacy that comes with kissing. That feeling of lips touching lips, the tongue that evaded mine in an aggressive manner, like he cannot wait to taste and possess everything, including my being. The hands that ran up and down my back and the other anchoring me in my position around my neck. All I could focus on was the kiss itself, amazed by the magical sensation it evoked. It was far from a chase first kiss you'd expect. It was in fact a passionate act, truly conveying mutual desire and hunger for more.

After a while, I regained my senses and realized I was sitting on Yok's lap. Startled, I quickly stood up, grabbed my backpack, and hastily muttered a feeble "I'm sorry" before rushing away from the scene. What was I thinking? I kissed someone I just met a few days ago, and it frightens me to consider that I might be projecting my feelings for Akk onto Yok, hence my intense reaction. I don't want to mislead anyone. How would Yok perceive me if he discovered that I'm probably drawn to him because he reminds me of Akk, especially since we were sitting on the same beach where Akk and I used to spend time together? Thankfully, my impulsive action caught Yok off guard, giving me a few minutes head start as he hesitated in confusion before chasing after me. By then, I was already driving away, while he called my name and looked puzzled at my departing car.

My phone keeps chiming with notifications, most likely from Yok. I deliberately ignored them and sought solace in my bed, hiding under the covers. I felt too drained to even take a shower. Tonight's events left me scared and bewildered. The anxiety grew as I realized I would have to face Yok in the morning and provide an explanation. How could I articulate the jumble of terrifying thoughts in my head to make him understand? I had no clue. Skipping work wasn't an option since I had just started, so I lay there, terrified by the unfolding situation. Was I truly attracted to Yok, or was this merely a case of transference of feelings due to his resemblance to Akk? I still had no answer and then just when I was about to close my eyes probably due to the exhausting thoughts running in my head, my alarm rang. Sh*t, I kept cursing as I prepared for work. I couldn't even bring myself to eat anything for breakfast and instead made myself a double espresso because how am I going to function otherwise with zero sleep. There was no way for me to avoid facing this situation now.

YOK's POV

Throughout the night, I simmered in confusion and frustration after Ayan abruptly fled from the beach. I called and messaged him multiple times, desperately seeking answers, but received no response. It became clear that he was deliberately avoiding me. Instead of searching for him in the morning, I decided to channel my emotions into painting. Every stroke on the canvas reflected the intense mix of feelings within me. I knew Ayan would have to find me at noon to discuss lunch plans, so there was no need to track him down now and risk another disappearance. It was unlike me to be patient, as I usually pursued answers relentlessly, but given his reaction, waiting seemed like the wiser choice for now.

What could have gone wrong? I distinctly remember Ayan being an eager participant in that magical kiss. Was my memory deceiving me? Did I perhaps push myself onto him, and he didn't want that kiss? The resulting artwork displayed bold and varied strokes, a testament to the myriad emotions I experienced while creating it.

Before long, a hesitant knock on the studio door disrupted the silence. I faced Ayan with a raised eyebrow and crossed arms, clearly conveying my state of mind. He avoided making eye contact, his gaze fixed on the drying canvas behind me, a look of surprise in his eyes. It seemed he understood the message I was trying to send. In an almost childlike voice, he asked what I wanted for lunch. Since he wouldn't willingly offer the explanation I desired, I declared, "I'm craving hotpot for lunch. Let's go to that diner down the street." Ayan responded, "I'm actually full." I retorted, "Well, too bad because I'm not eating hotpot alone" as I walked out the door, leaving him with no choice but to follow me.

Throughout the short walk to the diner, Ayan remained unusually subdued. I longed to hold him close and provide comfort, wanting to alleviate his current discomfort. I didn't fully understand him, but one thing I discovered the previous night was that, despite my frustration, I also felt an uncontrollable possessiveness toward him. I couldn't let go of that kiss and how it made me feel, so I was determined to do everything I could to understand his thoughts and determine if he felt the same way about me.

After being sat at a corner table and our orders we're served, we were both clearly not too interested in the food, as we both half heartedly attempted to pretend to eat. I was unable to bear the silence any longer, so I finally asked him, putting down the chopsticks in my hand, "What happened last night, Ayan? I think I deserve an explanation. One moment our tongues were down each other's throats, and the next you were running away from me. Did I do something wrong?".

He looked defeated, tears welling up as he finally met my gaze. He said, "Yok, I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just confused and couldn't believe what happened. To be honest, I go to that beach because of Akk. Remember when I mistook him for you? Well, the truth is, he was my boyfriend and he passed away six years ago, a few months before our high school graduation. It was a tragic loss, and I've never moved on from it."

He continued, "We used to stroll on that beach all the time, and on nights when I miss him terribly, I go there. I can't explain what happened between us, but I feel like the atmosphere, the moonlight, and your resemblance to him must have been a factor. When I realized what I had done, I was already in your arms. I didn't want to insult you by admitting I mistook you for someone else, but I also can't be certain if that's not what happened or if I kissed you because I genuinely wanted to. So, I ran away. It's not fair to you, I know, but I felt I owed you honesty. I know it was you, and it was one of the best kisses of my life, but I couldn't help but wonder if I kissed you back because I was immersed in my memories of him." Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed.

"I'm truly sorry because I must have misled you into thinking I was interested in you. But when I stopped and thought about whether it was because you resembled Akk or because you are you, I still have no answer. I've only felt this way about one person in my life, even after he was gone. What if I'm projecting those feelings onto you? I don't want to be unfair to you, so I think it's best for me to step back and stay away, I do not want to further cause damage. I'm deeply sorry, Yok."

Listening to Ayan's explanation was painful. So that person who resembled me is dead, and he was Ayan's ex. That explained a lot—the way he looked at me from day one, the complex emotions that flickered in his eyes when he thought I wasn't paying attention. But didn't he previously mention that we were completely different? While that guy was serious and impeccably neat, I was carefree, outgoing, and always covered in paint and charcoal smudges. He even once pointed out how our personalities were opposites. If he could distinguish between us and acknowledge that we were two separate individuals, then perhaps, despite occasional confusion, he could still identify who he was with.

Didn't he also say it was one of the best kisses he ever had? That meant he knew whom he was kissing. I didn't say it directly because he was clearly in turmoil, but I reached out my hand to hold him and gently said, "You don't have to feel guilty for telling me the truth, Ayan. Thank you for being honest. I added "But last night, I know you realized you weren't kissing a ghost. After all, You were able to touch me and our kisses must have been different. Unless they were also identical?" I added with a half-joking tone, hoping to slightly lighten the somber mood.

After a short pause, I continued with a sigh "I understand we may look alike to you, but I'm Yok Ayan. I'm the one who's here in the present. And you know, even if it sounds crazy or obsessive, when I like someone, I'm relentless. From today onward, I'll make sure you know it's me and that I am not some replacement. You'll see," I said gently but firmly.

Did I just blurt out to a high flight risk that I liked him? Way to go Yok for prematurely confessing your feelings, I cringed inwardly, hoping that Ayan's emotional state would prevent him from scrutinizing my choice of words. As I picked up my chopsticks and resumed eating, I silently hoped for the best.