Schritt für Schritt (step by step)

May 17th

May 17th, 2023

It's scorching hot. She's glad that she was seated in the shadow.

It's the third to last match of Arsenal Women FC this season. Leah's there to watch and support. She's had to sign at least fifteen shirts and forty cards with a picture of herself. It's tiring. She makes fun of herself for thinking that. Spectators would usually see her tire from playing 90 minutes on the pitch, not from putting her name down for them a few times. It's not a I'm-not-taking-myself-too-seriously-way of making fun of herself. It's an unpleasant feeling. It's a hurtful feeling. She can't let herself go there.

The girls are doing well. At the break, they are 4-0 up. It's a good achievement. It's a really fucking good achievement, considering all they've been through this past season. Leah's proud of the girls. She misses them, being on the pitch with them. The small voice in the back of her head telling her they are doing just fine without her is a bit louder than usual today.

And then, Lia is injured badly.

Leah has just settled down when it happens, a beer in her right hand. From far out, it doesn't look that bad. But the stadium is small. It's sold out, yet there aren't any voices loud enough to drown out Lia's screams.

Lia's not felt anything like this all her life. She doesn't hear. She doesn't see. Everything her body communicates towards her brain is agony. She does not know when or where she is. But there is no doubt in her head that this feeling is going to haunt her dreams for months to come.

Leah's up in no time. She can't go see or hear or have her teammates tell her what's going on. So, she just stands. She's close enough to see the way Jen shouts at her (she doesn't need to understand her words to know what she's saying), see the way Noelle and Lotte push the girl who has fouled Lia out of their ways angrily. The girls are distraught. Leah does not want to think about what that means. She doesn't really remember the exact way her own injury played out, she hasn't watched the footage back either. But she knows that the vibe was quieter. More people looking into the distance, contemplating, feeling for her. It seems that everyone close is feeling with Lia now. Wally has now stopped screaming, but Leah can still hear her long, more controlled wails of pain every time she breathes out. People are crowding around Lia, Katie has cradled Lia's head in her lap. Someone, she thinks it's Caitlin, is crouched next to her and helps her with putting the handle for the oxygen Lia is now given in to her mouth. Lia's still writhing on the ground, and one can tell from the way her torso and her right, uninjured leg are moving that she must be experiencing extreme pain.

Leah is desperate. She wants to know something. She has to know. Kim doesn't know either, "I don't know either", why doesn't she know? Leah wants to be there. With Lia, on the pitch. She wants to put her hand on her hip, comforting her like Wally comforted her. Leah's hands are shaking as she puts up the live stream of the match on her phone. They are now showing the way both Caitlin and Lia's hand hold on to the oxygen tube. Wally's face is hidden behind someone's leg, but Leah can see her jaw and her lips, clenched. Leah hates knowing about the traumatic memories that are being imprinted in Lia's beautiful mind right now.

Manu squats next to Katie and starts talking to Lia. Wally is completely still on the ground now. Motionless. As if she was dead, the voice in her head completely consumed by worry and anxiety for Wally tells Leah.

Aggie Beaver-Jones is given a red card. Leah shoots daggers at her with her eyes. She's almost surprised when Beaver-Jones does not react. Surely, she must have felt them, they must have hurt, right?

And then, after what felt like an hour, Lia is slowly being put on the stretcher that has been brought out for her.

It feels like it's Leah's queue. She takes her crutches, excuses herself by mumbling a few words and makes her way behind the scenes as quickly as she can.