Schritt für Schritt (step by step)

Lia's June, July, August.

Lia's summer is extremely busy. She makes sure of it.

She misses out on the first week of prep camp because of her injury, but she's with her teammates for the second one. Every time she returns to Switzerland during international break, she remembers how much she loves talking Swiss German. It reminds her of her childhood, her home, her family. She loves that she knows the language without having to think. Her words flow more freely, she expresses herself more precisely. With ease.

All of this doesn't change that she doesn't really talk, this time. She talks about football; she talks about injury. She talks tactics and training and pressure; she talks the weather and the journey. But she does not talk. In the evenings, she lies in her bed and feels nothing. In the mornings, she sees wet stains on her fluffy cushion. During the day, she is Lia Wälti, the captain of the Swiss national team, and she just functions. But she's never fully there. She's in mourning; she knows she's not only lost Leah, but also a part, a version of herself that night in Barça. A version that she now remembers as happy, blooming. 

Lia lost the safety and comfort of the first person who made her feel so much like herself after her breakup with Caitlin, the one that made her feel more and feel happier than she ever had. Ever. Lia tries to grasp what that means. She thinks that she used to love Caitlin; she loved being with her. She loved the way she made her feel. The way she thought about the two of them together. But now that she's came to realize the depth and completeness of her feelings for Leah, the love she used to harbor for Caitlin seems so insignificant, so unreal, so superficial. She remembers that she felt it, but she does not remember what it felt like. 

Leah. Leah is now a component of everything that is important to her, everything that has ever seemed to matter. She is intrinsic to Lia's will to live, to Lia, she is indispensable, and Lia's lost her. She's responsible for losing her. Lia knows all of this, she has accepted it. She knows that her life will go on, in 'time will keep passing'. In no way can she call this thing she is doing living right now. But she hopes that one day, the loss of Leah will hurt her a little less and she will manage to look her in the face and apologise sincerely, the way she should have from the beginning. That Leah will, in some kind, be a part of Lia's life. Then, she thinks, she might find some peace.

But right now, all it does is hurt.

Lia's happy to be on international duty and not with her Arsenal teammates. She loves the Swiss team, but it usually feels like a break from her real life; exactly what she was in need of. Ana is there, too. Ana, oh dear Ana. Amongst all this darkness that has taken a hold of her and that she is sure would flow out of her body if somebody cut her open, the importance of her friendship with Ana has once again been proven to her. Ana doesn't dare to talk to Lia about it, she knows Lia is too shut off, caught in the swirl of her own thoughts and conclusions. But she holds Lia's hands for at least two hours on every flight they take to get to Australia. She offers herself up to be Lia's partner in training, she walks next to her even though she knows Lia will not say much. And when Ana realizes that their mattresses in Dunedin are extremely soft, she sneaks into Lia's room because she knows there is no way Lia would have been asleep; the brunette has very particular ideas about what a mattress should feel like, and Ana knows that this is not it. When Ana knocks on Lia's door and enters shortly after, Lia's silhouette is recognizable under the heavy white bed sheets. She's faced away from the door. "Lia, besch wach?", Ana asks. She doesn't get a response, but she knows Lia is awake indeed; her breathing is too fast, to irregular for her to be asleep. Ana sighs. She then proceeds to get into bed next to Lia and to wrap her strong arms around her. She snuggles into her body. She usually likes to be the little spoon, but she'll always make an excuse for her best friend. Immediately, she feels the tension release from Lia's body in quiet sobs.

They fall asleep like this and they sleep that way for the rest of the World Cup.

Lia is extremely professional. This is a World Cup, after all, and she knows it's something she and the rest of the team have dreamed about all their lives. So, she leads them on to the pitch with pride. Her composed and collected manner proving to be the perfect support her teammates need on and off the pitch. Lia gives it her everything, and although they are beat mercilessly by Spain in the round of sixteen, their tournament was a success all in all. They have the Euros in Switzerland in 2025 to work towards, so Lia knows that this was extremely important.

Still, Lia perceives everything, her play, the emotions that come with it, the consciousness of there being a widely celebrated women's football event going on, like if it was woven into a gray veil. Most of the time she manages to separate football from the rest of her life, but she catches herself asking the question, silently, in the back of her head: What is there to play for?

After the World Cup, Lia spends some time in Switzerland. It's supposed to help her recharge. After all, she's had a busy season and a busy summer.

She swims in the Lake Thun, as far as she can, and when she dives, she dives deeply. She lets herself be carried by the care of her parents, in every way possible, they don't ask (Lia knew they wouldn't) and she continues to be quiet. The day before she leaves for England, she hikes to the summit 'Napf' on her own. It's not an actual mountain, but Lia knows the view is stunning. She used to hike there with her family when she and her sister were younger. Now, the trip is all memories. In the beginning of the hike, Meret would climb every small rock she saw; it would leave her completely exhausted by the end of the four hour-trip. Lia would be wiser with the division of her energy, knowing that she'd need it in the end. She did enjoy her little sister's singing and running, though. They always had a very close relationship. To her surprise, the hike tires her body out completely. Although the people she passes breathe more heavily, her body screams for her to stop or to go more slowly. Lia knows she's punishing herself when instead, she walks faster. I'm a top athlete. I can take this. But no amount of training would make up for the wound her mind has sustained.

She can name almost every mountain visible from the 'Napf'. Her mum would make her daughters learn them by heart. They are so far away, but still, Lia feels close to them. What she loves about this place is its ability to make her feel like the laws of nature don't apply to her body anymore. Looking at the vastness of the landscape, she feels like she could reach every mountain top she sees by taking one single, big jump; it makes her feel like she belongs here. The sun is slowly setting. Lia does not want to leave. How she would love to show this to Leah – she can't let herself go there right now.

Her stay in Switzerland is supposed to help her recharge, and in some way, it does. It still feels like someone else is living the life she's supposed to live and she's condemned to watch from behind a glass wall. But going back to her roots will always allow her to find her balance. To rationalize. She knows Leah well, and even with what happened, she knows she will not be angry with her. Even if Lia declared her love for her and she would have to reject her, she knows Leah would handle it with grace. Even if Wally could not explain her actions that were not only unreasonable but also really rude, she knows Leah would find a way to get them to talking terms. Lia knows that throughout the development of their twisted situation, Leah is the one who acted with more wisdom and logic. She knows it's time to own up to her age.

She stays on top of the 'Napf' for some more time. The families and senior hikers who were here before leave after the sun has set. They must believe that the sun was only beautiful when it was shining full-strength, visible, and present. But Lia enjoys will enjoy whatever she can get of the sun. Even after it's gone, she'll still know it was there, proof only being the slowly fading brightness of its orange-red beams. Leah is like the sun to Lia. She'll enjoy whatever she can get.

Then, Lia makes the short walk to the bus station. Her last day in Switzerland has come to an end. It is time to face her real life again.