PHAN -Save me, please.

Chapter 3

A/N: Disclaimer: Major self-harm. Start and finish will be marked with ***.  Everything that is written in italics are flashback-thoughts/sentences.

———-

'Phil... Phil... Phil...'

There was this voice in Dan's mind that constantly repeated Phil's name. He could not stop thinking about this guy who came in here yesterday. Is he trying to be Dan's companion? Well, good luck with that. 2 others have already failed and so will you.

The first person who wanted to adopt him was called 'Connor' and he was a handsome guy, who wasn't much older than Dan at that time. He was friendly and kept talking to Dan, always cheering him up and making him smile. But after he noticed that Dan still wouldn't talk to him, his visits became rarer and rarer until he stopped visiting him.

The next 'caretaker' was an elderly couple. They introduced themselves as Felix and Marzia, and they were really friendly too. But Marzia soon became very sick, and Felix couldn't handle 2 sick people in his life.

It has been 2 year since the last time someone was interested in adopting Dan. It wasn't a surprise really. But Dan knew that it was his fault. Who would want a gay, depressed boy who didn't wanted to talk to people, instead of beautiful girls who 'just' had a little alcohol problem?

It wasn't the fact that Dan didn't WANT to talk to people; it was the fact the he just COULDN'T.

Stop talking, for fucks sake!

He knew that everything he'd say would be hold against him at some point. He didn't trust people in general, much less a random person coming into his room who wanted to 'adopt' him. What if he would just scare them off? Just by opening his mouth, people would judge him. They always had, and they always will.

You little useless shit. What will your parents say when they get to know you slept with a man? What will they say? Tell me?!

Dan has lost all track of time. When was that incident again? Last year? 3 years ago? How old was he? Right, he will turn 18 tomorrow...3 years? It has been three years since...

You're a virgin right? Wow, that's going to be fun....

How much the incident had changed him... Until the age of 15 he was the happiest person alive. He would talk his friends out of suicidal thoughts, would stop them from cutting, would encourage the younger students and would help everyone with their problems. He loved his parents, and his parents loved him. The only time they would argue was when Dan's music was too loud in his room. He had a bunch of friends and even a secret boyfriend at that time. Things could not have been better.

Get it, okay! You are useless! You should be ashamed of yourself for having sex with a stranger! You are such a slut!

Getting kicked out by the parents you thought loved you... Getting dumped by your boyfriend for not talking to him... Getting ignored from your friends you thought would stick to you, no matter what... Turning into a victim...

***

His view was blurry. All he could see was the tool in his hand that appeared from nowhere... It was the pencil he always used to paint on his walls... but the end...was...sharp...like a knife...

Useless...you are useless... useless...

He suddenly noticed thick, hot tears streaming down his face. Oh, where did you come from? Haven't seen you in a while.

Phil will not stay either. He will dump you, like everyone before. Suddenly he will notice that you are not worth the effort... I will give him at least two weeks then he is gone. Gone like the others. Like your parents. Like your boyfriend. Like your friends.