seventeen going under - jeremiah fisher

ch. 18

Last Spring

Conrad sat on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hand, tugging at the ends of his hair. He's tugging so hard I wondered if he was just trying to make himself feel something other than grief for the mom that's still alive. I grabbed his hands and untangled them from his hair. They found my waist instead.

He gripped my waist so tight I bet his knuckles turned white. He leaned his head against my stomach and I tried to settle it down but all the vodka was making it make weird noises that he ignored, thankfully. I put my palm on the back of his neck and played with the hair there when he looked up at me. "Thank you."

"For what?" I asked.

"For being here."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Conrad shrugged and we looked at each other for a long time. So long that it got too quiet and I felt like I needed to say something but there wasn't much to say, was there?

"How would you feel if I kissed you?" Conrad asked. I think my eyes must have almost popped out of my head because he started to shake his head vigorously in regret. "Shit, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm not even the drunk one."

My hands slid around from the back of his neck to his jawline and I cupped his face, kissing him before he even had a chance to continue speaking. I don't know why I did it, but when my lips crashed onto his, I didn't want to stop. His hands gripped the back of my shirt and he pulled me onto his lap so effortlessly, it was hard to resist it at all.

His hands cupped the back of my thighs as I straddled him, tugging at the hair on the back of his head as I kissed him so feverishly, I could barely breathe. Conrad held me close to his body, touching me in ways no boy had ever touched me before and I couldn't say that I didn't like it. Elijah never touched my butt. He never ran his hands up my shirt to touch my bare skin and he never, ever, kissed me like that.

I pulled away briefly, just to breathe, but Conrad said, "are you okay? Are you sure?" He sounded frantic. Any glimpse of grief that he had before was now gone and any anger I had toward Jeremiah had floated off into the void. Jeremiah. Fucking Jeremiah.

I looked at him breathlessly and then I nodded, kissing him again. "Are you sure?" I asked through our kisses. He nodded as he kissed me back and in response, I pushed him down on the bed. I held myself up with my hands and trailed kisses down his neck. Just as no one has touched me the way he has just in the last few minutes, I had never touched anyone this way either. I had never kissed Elijah on the neck, suckled on the thin skin that protected his throat, or nibbled on his ear lobe. But all of these things released a response out of Conrad I wanted to see again, and again.

His hands trailed under my shirt, meeting the spot where my bra clasped together and he unhooked it like he had done it a million times before. I pulled away and looked down at him. "Shit, sorry, I didn't-" He started, frantically trying to hook the bra back together.

I laughed and shook my head. "No. It's okay," I said. "I just was wondering..." I trailed off, trying to think of how to say what I was trying to say. How to ask the impossible. "Have you done this before?" Conrad searched my face before he replied, trying to decipher how to reply, I guess.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Have you?" I shook my head and sat up. I could feel him underneath me. Even though there were four layers of clothing between him and me, I could feel how ready he was for me and it made me hot and sticky. "We don't have to."

We don't have to. He's right. I could stop right now, get off of him, and go home. I could forget this ever happened and blame it on the alcohol that was now seemingly evaporated from my body because I didn't even feel hazy at all anymore. My head felt crystal clear. "I want to."