Je Suis Prest || Outlander

Chapter 5

Watching the cracks form in Ma and Jamie's relationship was like watching a duck pipping their eggshell; we were all waiting for the egg to burst open. Over the next several weeks, what had been brief moments of frustration escalated into arguments. It did not take long for me to realize the root cause of many of their problems was the sassenach witch. That word was like cannon fire. It was the only thing that could cause Jamie to raise his voice— "Don't ye ever call her that!" he said in a voice like thunder over a distant hill. Not an immediate threat, but enough to make you want to draw the shutters and retreat into the safety of your home. Jamie did not hide the fact that his heart was still with her, which made my mother more closed off than ever before. I did not blame her. I grew to love Jamie for himself, but resented him as my mother's husband.

One month, Aunt Jenny and Uncle Ian came to visit for several days at Ma's request. She thought Jamie's sister might be able to talk some sense into him, but it added kindling to the fire. I had never seen two Frasers fight. Uncle Ian took Joan and I outside to wait out the storm. He walked us far around the perimeter of our land, although I knew it must have pained him. My mother could have been a Fraser, or maybe the Fraser siblings' tempers really came from the Mackenzie side, because she could hold her own in those arguments. I was glad for Uncle Ian's quiet manner as we strolled along. Whenever we heard a shout echoing from the house, he would steer us further away and begin to tell stories of his travels in France, tactfully leaving out the bits about the war that brought him there in the first place.

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time outdoors because if the newlyweds were not arguing, the tension in the room was enough to kill us all. Jamie also found solace in being outdoors when emotions flared up. After an argument when he exited our house to escape our mother, and before I was ready to return to the house to survey the scene, were strangely my favorite times. We would walk a long ways without talking. Or I would help him with any work that needed to be done around the house. Our walks led us back to the small barn where inevitably, Jamie would send me on my way with a platitude that everything would be fine in the home.

It was during our parting when Fergus would take over as Jamie's confidant and companion. I envied Fergus for that in a way. They seemed to be able to communicate without saying any words, like they had a language of their own. Before heading back up to the house, I would watch them sit over a dram of whiskey with their heads bowed towards each other in conversation. I wished I could have been included in these moments, but one look from Jamie would send me running back to the house. 

Second to the sassenach witch, Fergus was a sore spot in their marriage. On more than one occasion I had heard Jamie accuse Ma of treating him like a dog. He was not wrong either. Fergus did not take meals with us, and slept in the loft of the barn despite there being an empty bedroom in the house. He worked with our livestock without complaint owing to his unwavering devotion to Jamie. It could not have been easy for him though, tending to our livestock with only one hand. But he was stubborn in not asking Jamie for help until he absolutely needed it. I asked him once why he did not just leave and try to make a life for himself, since he is not bound to serve Jamie, but all he said was that he would never leave his side again.

We would have rare moments of calmness that would come in waves. On calm days, we felt like a real family. Our Ma and Jamie would let their hands linger on each other's at the dinner table. Joan and I would invite him to play with us, or tell stories. It felt strange, allowing this man we had only recently met enter our lives, but we could not help but take to him right away. Joanie began calling him Daddy, but I never felt right saying it. At least, not for a while. I had not had a father for so long, I could not bring myself to use such a familiar word with this stranger. But in all other ways, Jamie was our Da. He was the man that would kiss us goodnight and read stories from the Bible until we fell asleep. Joanie would beg him to read the same ones over and over again, and he always obliged. Mother would sit on the chair in our room and knit while we listened.