Life With Boys

new normal

The weeks seemed to repeat themselves for months to come, Zayn building himself up to become a better father and husband, and Liam slowly breaking more and more each day. Liam would never let anyone know how bad things had gotten, especially his boys, so he worked hard to put on a brave face when others were around. 

At this point, he was getting pretty good at it too. The constant calls from his mother had slowed down. It took months of convincing, but now he was confident that he had successfully assured her everything was fine. She was no longer blowing up his phone nagging him to take care of himself every day like she used to. 

So Liam didn't. 

He would carry himself through the normal routine of getting the boys ready for school every weekday morning and getting them out the door. He still made sure to cook them breakfast, going out of way to draw smiley faces on their pancakes with syrup every morning. He made sure they had everything packed in their book bags and that their shoes were double knotted before everyone loaded up in the car. 

He did his best to look presentable at pick up and drop off at their schools. He would cover his eyes with shades, no matter how sunny or dull it was outside and tried to avoid all conversation, giving the teachers a quick wave after he kissed the boys goodbye. He hated the looks of pity he received when they met his gaze, so he did his best to keep his head down and speed the process as much as he could. 

During the day when the boys were gone, he would try to keep himself busy with mundane house chores. He kept up with the lawn as best as he could and made sure to tend to the pool in the backyard. He would make the boys' beds and pick their pajamas up from the bedroom floor, cleaning up messes around the house here and there. This kept his busy for a large chunk of his morning, but the majority of his day was usually spent in his bed under the covers in the dim light. 

The shades were always shut tight so minimal light could enter the room. The television was always on the same channel, repeating the same cheesy Hallmark movies over and over, but Liam never paid it any attention. It was static background noise to him as he laid in the bed motionless. 

At first, laying in bed in the dark made Liam feel lazy and gross, but now he was starting to find a sense of comfort in engulfing himself in the heavy comforter and staring at the ceiling. When he shut his eyes, he would imagine the feeling of Zany's body heat pressed next to him in the bed they once shared. He allowed his mind to wonder to all the memories and conversations that took place in this room over the years. It reminded him of the simpler times with Zayn. The happier times. These moments in time felt like centuries ago to him now. Like memories forever trapped in the past. 

He thought about Zayn more than he cared to admit to himself, but he never let it go further than just that. They were just thoughts in his head. Where they stayed. 

He had managed to avoid all contact with Zayn, convincing his mom that even seeing him to drop off the boys for the weekend was too painful for him. After everything that happened, Liam's mom wasn't exactly Zayn's biggest fan, so she agreed that not having contact was for the best. 

So she picked them up from Liams on Fridays and brought them back to the house on Sundays. The boys were always eager to tell Liam about the fun weekend they had at their dads, and he always made a point to look engaged in the conversation, offering a loving smile to them and telling them he was glad they had a good time. Most of what he knew about Zayn's life came from these short conversations. 

He still received the occasional late night text from Zayn, telling Liam how sorry he was for everything, but Liam always deleted the messages before he even read them.  His heart couldn't take it. 

Liam wasn't sure how to feel when these messages started to come through less and less. He missed knowing that Zayn was still thinking of him but he kept telling himself that it was for the best and would make things easier. 

He was lying to himself though. 

It hadn't gotten easier.

He wasn't sure what the boys thought about what was happening in their family, but for the most part, they seemed happy still. At the beginning, they flooded Liam with question after question, asking why Zayn wasn't home for dinner, when he would be back, and why Liam looked so sad. 

Liam didn't have any answers for them, and he asked himself the same things. 

Now the boys seemed to be content with their new normal. 

But it would never feel normal for Liam.