My Name Is Depression

Chapter 25

"Your family is waiting for you outside, Malaya. You can leave the room whenever you're ready."

I turned to face the psychiatrist who was waiting for me outside my room. While looking at me, she was grinning.

I took a glance around the room that I had called home for two and a half years. With the exception of the bed, nightstand, air conditioner, and a high window that nearly reached the ceiling, the room was plain and empty. Just white paint has been used to cover the floor, walls, and ceiling. It appears to be simultaneously dazzling and dreary.

Napapikit ako nang may luhang tumulo sa cheeks ko. Hindi makapaniwala na nandito pa rin ako, humihinga at lumalaban. My struggles while I was staying here were seen by this room, the staff, and my psychiatrist. The voices that keep haunting me, the restless nights, and the constant cries. That event seems to have taken place quite recently.

"Are you really allowing me to go?" I asked softly. Tears stream down uncontrollably.

Her quiet chuckle caused me to cast a quick peek her way. She is chuckling, but not because she is making fun of me; rather, she is delighted.

She giggled and then smiled at me tenderly.

"You're getting better, Malaya. We didn't let you leave just because we wanted to; rather, it was because you proved to us that you were ready. I'm happy that you let us help you, and I'm also happy that you choose to help yourself to get better. Your decision to fight has brought you here. You choose to be here."

I could feel my lips trembling at what she said. I sighed and tried to hold back my tears.

"You're brave and a fighter. I'm proud of you, Malaya."

The staff are walking by my side. Hinahatid ako palabas ng mental institution.

I saw a few patients walking by with a staff guiding them. May nakita rin akong bagong pasyente na hindi ko kilala. Their physique is thin, and they have bruises all over. Their eyes are swollen. Umiwas ako ng tingin at nagpatuloy sa lakad.

I hope she'll get better soon. I hope she'll find the courage to move forward, to be healed.

Even if I wanted to feel pity for them, I don't want to. I don't want to look at them with pity in my eyes. Some people don't like being looked at with pity. Ayaw nilang kaawaan mo sila dahil feeling nila ay mahina sila. Feeling nila minamaliit sila.

Instead of feeling pity over them, let them feel you understand them. Look at them with warmth in your eyes.

The last thing that they wanted to see is pity.

"Baby!"

"Eli!"

"Maya!"

My family was grinning broadly at me as I looked up. As my eyes began to blur from the unwelcome tears, I felt my lips grow higher.

I stood there stoned, gaping at them.

"Go, Malaya." My Psychiatrist encouraged.. "You deserve to live the life that you once lost."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at them. I couldn't help but shed a tear for the people who didn't give up on me. For these people who guided me to walk on the right path. For helping me to be on my feet when I couldn't stand up anymore.

I shed a tear but not because of pain, but because of happiness.

Happiness...

A word that I didn't know I will still be able to feel.

She hugged me one last time before whispering the words that can help me move forward.

"Just remember to acknowledge your thoughts and pain when you have a relapse. Relapse is one of the most difficult aspects of recovering. You get reliant on pain, on your past; on your nightmares, and it is difficult to break free. You might experience a relapse, but never let it affect your future. The future you're going to create."