It'll Always Be You - JJ Maybank

Unexpected.

Riley's POV

Two months. 

That's how long it's been since I woke up in the Bahamas. I wish I could say it's been this amazing vacation like experience, but I'd be lying. Rafe and I quickly learned we're extremely toxic around each other, there is no sweet Riley and sweet Rafael, we're angry and take it out on each other. He makes me have sex all the time, I take out my frustration by being a bitch, it's a vicious cycle. 

The only people I want to ever be intimate with is Mason and JJ. But they aren't in my life now and its just Rafe and I in this mansion on the beach, it makes sense that we use each other while we sulk in solitude, but when the fighting started, things changed.

Sex became something dark, to the point where I started fearing Rafe. I mean I already fear him because he shot me, granted it wasn't a fatal shot but he still grazed me, it could have been fatal if he had moved an inch to the left. But now.. I'm terrified of him, he brings that damn gun into bed with us. Its like he has a switch in his brain, he will be chill and then his eyes will shimmer and go dark. The gun being dragged across my skin as we fuck isn't what scares me, it actually turns me on, if I'm being honest. 

What scares me is what Rafe is capable of. I no longer feel like I can say 'no', I had said 'no' a few times and that earned me a 'lesson', which was very rough sex. Add that to my list of trauma. Part of me wonders if it was really rape if my body enjoyed how it felt, if by complying to his demands to participate, meaning I moaned and screamed his name, made it okay or not.

It's all a big mind fuck, really. We decided to go out a few times to see the town. We went to a few bars and beach parties, which we actually had a lot of fun doing. That was the most confusing part of this whole situation between Rafe and I, we can have some really bad moments, but we can also have a lot of fun together.

I'm aware enough to see that the good times usually only happen while we're surrounded by people. If we're alone, violence happens. Our fights quickly turned physical, he even pulled the gun on me a few times. I wanted to believe he wouldn't use it on me, but when he is high, he probably could if I piss him off enough.

"Baby, why didn't you want to shower with me?" He's trying to be calm but I can see the anger behind his eyes.

"I don't feel like having sex right now, I'm tired." I quietly tell him, keeping my eyes on my hands resting on the kitchen counter. 

"You never want to have sex anymore!" He crosses the kitchen to stand over me.

"Because you demand it!" I look up at him with a sad expression on my face, "Why aren't you sweet to me anymore?"

He scoffs, "You're never happy, baby, its hard to be happy when you zone out and hate life."

"I'm trying, Rafe." I cry, "I'm just having a hard time, I miss home sometimes."

"Am I not doing enough for you?" He raises his voice, "We're.. we're starting a life here together but you're stuck on the past." 

"You are.." I wipe my tears and lean into him, giving in so that he doesn't hurt me, "it's just, you keep hurting me. You do sweet things and then you hit me after."

"You make me crazy. You know that?" He hugs me tightly, his fingers tangled in my hair, "But I love you so much." 

"I know."

"Come on, we're going to be late for our appointment." He pulls away, his hands cups my face before he kisses me, showing me his sweet side again. 

My mind is clouded these days, everything feels dark and gloomy, no happiness in sight. Like a storm is always on the horizon, I never know when it'll finally make land and wreck havoc on my life, so I stay in the grey area feeling alone and depressed.