DOG DAYS → [SIRIUS BLACK X READER]

Chapter Eight

As it turns out, you can in fact deny your crush on Sirius for a while longer, and as Christmas gets closer, you've thrown yourself into the season of giving; making a very admirable attempt to pour all of your focus into the purchasing of gifts for your friends and family and not allowing your mind the chance to wander back onto the topic of your liking Sirius. It works for a little while, but like all other distractions it's only temporary, and at the end of the day when all the gifts are bought and everything is said and done, the feelings are still there, as real as ever and showing no signs of dissipating.

And, Okay- so maybe it's salt in the wound when you declare in one of your letters to home that you'll be spending your Christmas at Hogwarts instead of with your family. You've never done so before, and with this being your last chance at it they have no reason to object. But with the castle basically barren of all its students, it leaves you with less distractions than a holiday away from Hogwarts would provide you, and instead gives you ample time to go and visit Sirius, who you fear is starting to catch on to your sudden change in behavior around him.

Each brush of hands, hug goodbye that lasts for far longer than that between friends, or look directed towards you that's full of fondness sends you spiraling, and trying to act like it doesn't affect you usually ends in you making you making a fool of yourself. Perhaps your reasons for staying behind don't lie in sentimentalism, but rather it's just you subconsciously giving yourself more reasons to confess. You're here, you have the time, and isn't it the perfect setting? You're already failing at keeping it together around him, so why not go ahead and unload your feelings on the poor chap!

You just want to pretend a little longer- pretend that you still only see him as a friend, because if you confess, you might lose him forever. You know you can't keep avoiding it, and considering your complete inability to put on any sort of façade in front of Sirius, who's able to see through your lies with the same ease as a person who's known you forever can, you know it won't be long until he puts two and two together. You're not very convincing, and trying to act like nothing has changed in you when it very clearly has isn't going to work the way you want to. You're going to have to go to him with the truth eventually.

The only choice you have is to confess, and accepting that is one challenge out of the way, but executing it is an entirely different story. How are you supposed to say something like that out loud? You'd ask your friends for advice; send them a letter and ask for the boost of confidence you so desperately need to do such a thing, but you know they'd ask questions and try to force an answer out of you over who your new mysterious crush is, and you obviously can't tell them.

Feeling as if planning a way to do it will only cause you more grief, and being left to your own devices to figure out how to proceed with getting your feelings out there, you decide to leave it to chance; because chance, fate or whatever it was that keeps putting you in these situations has never failed you before, and the chance encounter that led you to becoming this close to Sirius in the first place is the perfect example. It'll come to you eventually, you hope; an opportune moment or an impulsive split second decision to just blurt out the words and get it over with, like ripping off a bandage- but hopefully not as unpleasant.

At least by pouring your focus into Christmas shopping, you've gotten it done faster than your usual way of leaving it to the last second allows, and slowly but surely you've gathered a rather large pile of gifts for the people in your life. There's an array of muggle pranking products (sent to you courtesy of your dad, since you can't very well buy them from Hogsmeade) that have been charmed to amplify their abilities to that of the standards of a magical gag item set aside for Fred and George, stationery for your fellow 7th year friends so they can send letters to each other after graduation, clothing, and sweets are also among the things you've gathered.