Not Another Cliché Romance

Bad Decisions

hey guyssss its your least favorite person

ALSO rq i wanna talk about my writing patterns, pay attention to the way the writing switches up depending on strong emotional scenes, its intentional

enjoy🤗

stars will fall - duster

-

i woke up to my wrist stinging. i didnt like that.

i went to the bathroom and took a shower and it stung my wrist more.

i didnt like it.

i looked around for clothes but the only long sleeved thing i had was tristans hoodie. so after carefully wrapping my wrist with bandages, i slipped it back on.

i had no clue what time it even was and i didnt bother checking my phone, not wanting to text anyone back.

i didnt want much of anything.

honestly its crazy how much little things have such an affect on your life.

i didnt want much of anything except to just disappear.

that idea i craved.

im such a fuck up.

usually id tell myself, 'stop asher, youre doing it again,' but today was different. i couldnt- no, i wouldnt- stop those thoughts. i didnt even want to try.

everything felt cloudy, as if i was running on autopilot.

i grabbed my earbuds and my phone, purposefully ignoring the texts, i turned on do not disturb and clicked play on whatever song i had on last. i noticed it was around 3:00 a.m.

all we know

i slowly made my way downstairs, my whole being feeling exhausted yet as if i couldnt sleep, at all.

ive never smoked or vaped or anything before but seeing tristan's cart on the table...

no i cant.

is that stars will fall

i couldnt tell myself no.

i grabbed it and walked out the front door. i didnt know where i was headed but i just didnt want to be here anymore.

and holidays will come and go

i found myself an hour later at the bridge. i didnt know what i was doing i just knew i couldnt stop.

ive had a decent life, if you count abusive alcoholic deadbeat parents decent, which most people dont so im gonna go ahead and say i havent, in fact, had a decent life.

i held the button down and took a long drag from the pen, knowing what to do since ive watched tristan do it more times than i want to admit. i hold the smoke in and do the second inhale, another thing ive seen tristan do. tristan keeps crossing my mind as i exhale with a small cough, surprised my reaction wasnt much worse.

i did so a few more times, getting closer and closer to the edge as i did so. i could barely comprehend things, my head was spinning. it was kind of...thrilling? in a way...but also really relaxing....

well it was relaxing until i was interupted by headlights....and a familiar car..

tristan pulls over and parks his car. he gets out and slams the door shut behind him, storming up to me.

"What THE FUCK are you doing?!" He yells..

i whisper, "i dont know...i dont know much of anything anymore.."

he snatches the cart from my hand and looks at it up close, inspecting how much was left before looking at me furiously.

"You CANT just steal someones weed!"

i nod simply, looking down to my feet, which were dangling over the water..

he hesitates for a moment, "you better not have been considering ending it.."

i shake my head no, signaling i hadnt been even though it mightve crossed my mind one or two times...

he sighs and unlocks his car, motioning for me to get in. i slowly get up and stumble to passenger side, obviously high. i fumble with the door handle for a moment before tristan got out and took care if it for me and picked me up, his hands around my waist as he plopped me in the seat and did my buckle before backing up and slamming the door shut.

i watched him as he walked around the car and leaned on the drivers side door for a moment, as if lost in thought, before he marched right up to the edge of the bridge and threw his pen right in. he stood there watching it sink before briskly making his way back to the car and getting in.

his hands grip the wheel as we stay parked in silence.

"i looked all over town for you..do you know how scared xae was?" he yells and i flinch a little.

he hesitates before speaking up again, a lot quieter and with his voice breaking this time, "how scared i was?"

that confused me, i thought i was just a dumb kid to him. that was it! i mean i literally relapsed because of how much he didnt care.

"liar." i whisper

"..what did you call me?"

"i said youre a liar!"

"what are you talking about?!" he yelled/asked

"im talking about how you dont care! im just some dumb kid to you, you wouldnt ever care, not enough to be scared for me." i said, my brain spinning.

"youre not thinking straight"

i glared at him, "really? think so?"

i dont know whats wrong with me because i wasnt even mad. i didnt want to keep fighting, i just cant stop.

"yeah no shit, you would never say this if you were sober."

"yeah well maybe ive been not thinking straight or something, because i wouldve never done several things ive done lately while sober, and yet here we fucking are."

he sighs and starts the car, keeping me out of sight.

"so thats it? youre just done listening."

he ignores me and starts driving back home.

i notice that a single tear fell when he didnt think i was paying attention.