As Sin

the space we call eden

When he first began recovery, sleep often eluded him. That drove him crazier than the desire to use again. He thought to himself that he would snort any amount of cocaine just to be able to sleep. He would lie in bed, shaking and sweating, dreaming of that white gold.

It was only then, lying alone in the dark that he realized how sad he was. Growing up, all he wanted was something to do and not to be alone. Fame came speeding at him, and he got those two wishes. His life turned upside down. He always had to be on his feet. Interviews, photoshoots, rehearsals, vocal lessons, performances. He was never alone. He had Xia, and he had Kimi. He could summon thousands of fans to come see him if he announced where he was.

But he never knew what normal was. He went from one extreme to the next. From nothing to everything. Cocaine turned from fun to a crutch to feel normal again. For his head to be still once more. He had everything, but he still didn't have what he wanted. He searched and searched, but he never found what it was he wanted. Not even in rehab did he find his answer.

He missed her.

Everything was spinning. He turned from a child to an adult, with no in between. From a black void to flashing lights. From silence to loud, screaming thoughts. There had to be more. He wanted more.

The first thing he felt was cold. His eyes slowly peeled open. The rumble of the engine was gone, and he was still. He blinked. He could see the familiar stretch of grass before him. There were a few people chatting outside. There was a grasp on his shoulder. Bones dug into his skin. Cold. Xia's skin was cold. Had it always been that way?

"Wake up," Xia whispered. "We're here."

He looked around. The van was empty. The fast food bags and wrappers were gone.

"They're already inside. I let you sleep for a bit, but we should get going."

Xia helped him out of the van. He didn't let go of his hand as they walked towards the double doors that led into the house. He looked up at the warm lights that shone in the dusk darkness. There was a hand painted banner that read, 'Welcome Home, Nate!'. He chuckled at the crude signatures of his bandmates, accompanied by a stick figure drawing of them holding hands. It had to be the work of Ra.

The doors opened. An older woman beamed at them, clad in a freshly tailored red dress. He felt a surge of warmth. He could recognize that rose tinted lipstick anywhere. He wrapped his arms around her before she could say a word.

"Auntie! I missed you so much!"

Her hug took him back to his childhood. A house that was always busy and awash with the scent of chili oil and hand pulled noodles. Shoes piled outside the doorway. Laughing and loud guitars. He took a deep breath. She smelled of fragrant baby powder and rosewater.

"Auntie missed you too. Come, let me see you."

He stepped back to let her look at him. Her eyes scanned him up and down. She clicked her tongue.

"So thin! You and Xia don't like eating? You need me to cook for you?"

"Ma..." Xia complained.

"Hush," his mother said. "I made xiaolongbao for you. It will get cold if we stand here. Come and eat. I came here this morning to make it. Almost gone already."

"You didn't have to come at 8 a.m., Ma," Xia said as she dragged them both towards the dining room.

"Of course I came! I'm so excited to see you two. Christian, you haven't come see me in how long?" Auntie used Xia's baptismal name, something that always irked him. "Nate was away, but you're here, still didn't come see me."