As Sin

bare

"I'm mad I didn't think of that," Xia commented while setting up the tripod for Nate's phone. They were filming in their home studio.  He spun around in the office chair Xia had gotten. His nerves were so overwhelming that it made him giddy.

"That's because you're too self-centered," Nate joked as he tossed the device into the other man's hand. Xia frowned. He was surprised he hadn't developed wrinkles at some point.

"Shut up, you're my center," he shot back. "And stop spinning, all the words you want to say will fall out of your head."

Xia grabbed the back of the chair. Nate's body jerked to a stop. His brain ricocheted around his skull. He smiled at Xia, his stomach flipping inside him. He couldn't forget what he wanted to say. He thought about them over and over until they burned into his mind. It was a matter of whether he could get himself to say them. That was the hardest part. Vulnerable Nathaniel was a role he rarely performed, and for good reason. But that was the only Nathaniel that existed these days. People wanted Nathaniel. He would let them take any version of him.

"Get on the couch," Xia ordered. He looked across the room. There was a warm ring light in front of the couch, with his phone in the middle. He disliked the gadgets they used to film. He thought they made him less "real". Though, when Xia told him they helped accentuate his pretty face, he found it easier to agree to use them.

He walked over to the couch and fell onto the black cushions. It took him a while to decide on a position he liked. He fidgeted with his arms and legs on the couch until he settled on resting his elbows on his lap as he sat. Xia watched him bemusedly.

"Are you -"

"Not yet."

He closed his eyes in thought. He was going to tell his fans how he felt. Cindy's face bubbled up in his mind. He would do as she wanted. She would want him to be genuine in the same way he was with her. He would act like he was talking to her. He was going through a lot, but he was going to make it. He could say anything and she would be there to encourage him. All she wanted was the truth.

What would Nathaniel do? He was wounded from rehab and the break up. But his ego was still there. He believed in himself. He was a rock star first and foremost. That was his purpose. He was doing it all for his fans. He was performing for the camera, but it was the real him. He was saying it all from his heart.

Cindy. Nathaniel. Nate. Him.

He opened his eyes.

"Now."

The red indicator popped up on screen. He stared at his face. It looked like he had a hard time facing the camera. His gaze was faltering and there was a slight tremor in his hands. His eyes were shining as if he was on the verge of tears. He was amazed at himself. Sometimes, he forgot that he was Nathaniel. That was his identity. Nate was Nathaniel and Nathaniel was Nate. No one else could do it. Only him.

"I know you guys haven't heard from me in a long time," he heard himself saying. "That's my fault. I didn't mean to make anyone worry. But I realized I had to get on here," he gestured to the camera.  "And just be honest."

"I really miss you all," he continued. "All of you that've been there for the band no matter what. I missed all the ways you support us. I missed sharing new music with you," he paused and gazed into his eyes. "But most of all, I miss telling you how I feel."

Xia was studying him behind the setup. His gaze was transfixed on his face. He didn't dare look at those dark eyes. He was worried he would lose his composure. Xia didn't see Nathaniel or Nate. He saw something under all those layers. Something bare and primal. If he looked at Xia, he wouldn't be able to tell what was real anymore. He wouldn't know who he was.