Teenage Veracity

i have no friends

I have no friends. It is always a fact about my life that lingers in my mind, and it's no wonder it messed me up.

Oh no.

That's not it. I always use inaccurate words. I'm sorry. I have all these thoughts that contradict my real situation. I say I have no friends, but I am surrounded.

I have friends. Best friends...perhaps.

I do.

They are the first ones, and I love them to the bone. They knew the person before the person who's talking to you right now. 

From petty fights, uncontrollable laughs, breakdown seasons, silly crushes, and embarrassing scenarios, we've been together since the time when all we wanted to do was play in the fairytales. And now, we are playing in the real world. They can tell you a lot about me, and I can tell you a lot about them (which I won't do).

I love them, and I know they love me. It's just that I have them, but they don't have me.

They can tell you a lot about me, but I bet they don't know anything about me. They never tried because they are used to the version I wear whenever I'm with them. They might know that there is a portal to the depths of my mind and heart, but they chose not to bother with it. It's exhausting.

I want a lot from them, but I need to step back so that I can't bother them. They have lives, and putting me with them will create a stir in their not-so-calm lives.

They only treat me to the best of their knowledge about friendship, and it's not even half of my own. I don't blame them. Seriously, it's not their fault.

I say I have no friends, but I do have more. It's the circle of friends, as they call it. And they are the best.

They can tell when I'm upset. They can make me laugh. They make me feel important. We can go out and waste time and money eating at the same food spot over and over again. They tell me things, and I tell them mine.

They always ask me if I'm okay. Luckily, they can point out something off about me.

I never gave them an answer, though. I always answer them with silence. I just make them feel my gloom and let them deal with it. They shrugged off the matter and waited until time would wear off whatever was bothering me.

I do have them, but why can't I tell them? Oh, I think it's because they were already a puzzle before I appeared. I'm just a piece who is trying to fit in. But they still gave me a space to fit in. Not reluctantly. Not in pity. Not on duty. But full of acceptance.

We get along so well. We shared similar jokes, stories, hobbies, dreams, and teenage problems. We love walking at night, and we all have a favorite spot to waste time and talk nonsense. So why? Why can't I peel the layers of myself off in front of them?

Again, I have one more friend. Closest to best, perhaps.

She's the best, and I wish I had met her sooner than now. We think alike. We mostly like similar things. We have the same taste. We often don't need words to form a conversation because our eyes are enough. She understands me, and I understand her.

But it's so hard to be her friend.

She doesn't have many friends, but she values her friends so much that sometimes she tends to forget her other friends. She often forgets about me. She valued her friends so much that she gave them all of herself—the attention, the affection, everything—within a specific bracket. I'm in another bracket. She can't let me go, but she can't let the others go either. She treats us equally, but not enough.

Every time she gives her all to others, she forgets about me, who also needs her time, affection, and service.

You see, I have a lot of friends. But why does it feel like I have none?

It's so hard to reach them. It's hard to need them. It's hard to want something from them.

When everything is dark, their colors are supposed to pull high the low saturation inside me. But when I think of them, all I feel is a void of colors. When all I wanted was to scream my darkest heart out, no one listened.

I have no one who I can really talk to. Because if I did, I wouldn't be talking to you. The one with whom I can embarrassingly share my darkest nights, because that's the time when I need someone to listen to and to be present. I also need the deep talks I offered, like the ones I offered to them. I also need the attention that I gave them. I also need to be spoiled with efforts like how I spoiled them. I also need their deepest understanding, like how deep my understanding is for every one of them.

Why can't I call even one of them? Why can't I be naked about my feelings with my friends? Why does it feel like they'll cover their eyes when they see the real me? I am afraid. And friends shouldn't be the people you should be afraid of.

Maybe we bonded over a thing, and we happen to need each other. We never thought that we'd need each other long enough to create a string of contracts that we needed to abide by. Where's the real connection?

I have a lot of adventures in mind that I want to have with you. I have a lot of things I want to say to you. I have a lot of pictures I want to show you. I have a lot of stories I want to share with you. I have a lot of secrets I want to tell you. But you are drawing a line between us to put me in a place where I can't spread the best and worst of who I am. You never knew. You never tried to really know me.

Maybe, again, they're only treating me to the best of their knowledge of their friendship, and it's not even half of my own. What the mind has, that's the only thing you can give. It makes sense. But maybe I also don't make sense.

I don't make sense. They never knew anything about me because I never let them know. The knowledge that I have about friendship is so high that no imperfect human being can reach it. It's impossible. The reason why I always ended up disappointed. I never wanted so much, but maybe my enough is too much for them.

It's not because I've handled everything so well that I can tolerate being alone. I really, really, really need them, but I can't tell them because they are used to the fact that I don't really need them since that's what I presented them with. I really, really, really want to message them random and nonsense things, but I can't do that because I don't want to disturb them. I want to have a normal friendship, but I'm also the one who's making it hard for all of us.