Teenage Veracity

i am not smart

I was supposed to be stupid, and I really think I am stupid. I am supposed to be perceived as dumb, and I really think that they should perceive me that way.

Growing up, I tried not to associate myself with academic ranks and honor rolls. I was left sitting on the chair while my classmates went up on stage to claim the reward of their labor. Good for them, because they deserve it. 

It goes on for years, and I never really had a reason. I just want it to be that way. I'm too lazy to study. People don't want me because they think that I'm stupid enough to have the right answers and opinions. I'm fine with it, though. It's so free. I got to do whatever I wanted without the burden of academic worries and stress. I let my classmates run the race, and I set back, walking.

The best thing is that I don't care who's smart, who's who, or if they are smarter than me or if I am smarter than them. I don't care about those things. I just lived a very normal life as a student. Honestly, it was the best time of my life.

Seriously, if I could get that life back again, I would. But I can't. I can, but it's now a thing that I shouldn't do. 

I don't know how it happened. I was just doing my best to pass my requirements and give the best answers for the sake of accomplishing stupid academic work so that I could go back into my own world as early as possible. It turns out that was a bad move. It's all because of that one unconscious move that changed my life completely.

They praised me for doing my best. I never knew praise could be this good. Until then, I've continued to do my best.

I never perceived myself as smart, nor did I imagine myself to be one of the smart ones. I never wanted to be in that league. I'm not trying to boast or anything because I, myself, don't believe it, but if there are people who say that 'smart' word on your face, you can't help but consider their words.

Am I really smart? Am I capable of being smart in the first place? No. I don't believe it. I'm not smart, but I'm just lucky. I don't know what they saw in me that made up their smart perception, but I'm not smart. But they made me believe that I am. They made me believe that I am, and now I'm trying so hard to become one.

They made me push my limits even though I didn't want to. They force me to display something out of the ordinary to prove my capabilities, and little by little, I'm succeeding. Still, I don't want to. I'm just afraid that a simple mistake would entirely break their expectations and impression of me. I don't want to break that. It's all I am made for right now. If they take that away, I'm completely useless.

How did this happen? How did I let this happen? It's how I am right now, and regardless of everything, I can't help but admit that their positive perception actually benefits me. I like the benefits I'm getting, and I like the feeling. I like how they value me because I am at the top. I like how they respect me because they respect my mind. I like how I gained control of the situation because they believe it's best to have it under my control.

I never knew that being a high achiever was my ticket to being appreciated by others. But the cost is high. The cost is so high that it can make you go crazy and messy. It made me want to go back to my old, carefree self. 

I hate how I am becoming so sensitive and conscious about my grades. They are just numbers, for goodness sake, and how the hell did I end up depending on my worth in those stupid numbers?

I want to be on top, and I will always do whatever it takes to be on top. I'm not there yet because it's so hard, and that really frustrates me. I don't want it this way. I don't like how I am getting used to this. A carefree world is so much better. But how can you not care about your academic standing when everyone around you wants you to? I never want to become an achiever, but they believe that I am, so I'll try to adjust my mind to cater to them.

I am getting used to this, and I don't know how to stop. If I stop, they'll also stop, stare, look down, and shake their heads. Is this how they felt? While I am walking while watching them race, is this how they are suffering?

Is this the reason they are doing everything they can to stay on top? Is this the reason why they chose to go home and not enjoy the park? Is this the reason why they starve themselves just to finish what is required? Is this the reason why their eyes carried the weight of maintaining high marks? Is this the reason they are not happy? What's the reason? Shame. Disappointment. It was their reasons that I didn't understand before, but now they are mine too.

Be the best, or you are not. Please, I don't want you to expect a lot. My hands are crushing my brain, and I can do nothing but watch time waste me away. 

I don't care about these things. It's not what I'm made for. I want to create, not debate. I want to fly, not cry. I want my hobbies, not my studies. I want to be real, not pretend. 

My brain is freezing trying to compete with the smart ones. It's not what I'm made of. The pressure is too much, and I don't think I can keep up. I told you I was not smart enough to live like this. Being smart shouldn't come with pressure. Please set me free and let me own my future.