The warm sun shined on my face, slowly stirring me awake from my deep slumber. Disoriented and dazed, I looked at my phone. It was almost three in the afternoon. Weird, I don't typically wake up this late. I did go to sleep kinda late though, so maybe that's why.
After a few minutes of just laying there, accepting that I'm alive for another day, I adjusted to my surroundings and noticed that Miliani wasn't here. I sprung up on my bed and looked around worriedly. There was no trace of her at all. No bag, no clothes, no brush, no anything.
She was gone.
I'm so confused. Did I dream our sleepover?? No no, I'm pretty sure that happened.... I think... most likely... no yeah, it definitely did happen. Where did she go then?? I went on my phone and checked Instagram. Maybe she left me a text?
Nothing.
Oh god, what if I did something wrong last night? I started slightly panicking, getting up from my bed and pacing back and forth, thinking back to all the events from last night.
No, wait, let's think rationally. Maybe she had something come up and had to leave in a hurry? ..... orrrr, what if I did something wrong and now she'll never talk to me again????
What if I scared her off? Maybe I was too weird? Is she gone forever?? What if we're not friends anymore?! I got too comfortable, I probably weirded her out. Oh god, I shouldn't have asked her to spend the night. We might still be friends if I hadn't. I let my guard down and now she hates me.
I started hyperventilating. I feel sick and lightheaded. I rushed to my bathroom, tears threatening to fall. What did I do?! Did I embarrass myself last night? Maybe it was the whole stuffie thing. Or maybe she realized how much of an awful, worthless person I am.
I must've done something to upset her. I looked at myself in the mirror, I'm so disgusted with myself. My reflection is making me sick. I'm an awful person.
This is why I don't deserve any friends. It's my fault. It has to be. Maybe I answered her question wrong, and now she hates me?
She was way too good for me, I don't deserve even being in her presence. She probably realized that and left. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later, I just didn't think it would hurt THIS much. Why did I ever think I could have a friend?
So many thoughts were running through my head all at once, I couldn't even make out what they were saying anymore. My head is just ringing. I screamed and held my head tightly. I couldn't think straight or at all for that matter. I was full on losing it. I was no longer in control.
It's all my fault it's all my fault it's all my fault IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!
I fell to the ground, yelling and kicking my feet frantically. "SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!" I yelled, wanting to escape all these thoughts! They were too loud! They're all screaming in my head. It's all too much!! My head is pounding, and I can't grasp anything going on.
I couldn't do a single thing. I wasn't in charge of anything going on. All I could was watch as my mind and body took over. My fight or flight is kicking in, and my body is just trying to get me away from all of this.
But I can't get away. I can't run from my myself...
I'm the issue. It's me. I'M the fucking problem. I caused all of this. It's my fault she left and now I can't deal with the reality of it.
