Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
✧
PADFOOT'S FAIL-SAFE WAY TO CHARM WITCHES
written by one Sirius Black who is, indeed, very much gay. noted down on a drunk night in the dorm by one Peter Pettigrew convinced he was in love with a Hufflepuff. disapproved of by one Remus Lupin, who is the boyfriend of the gay author. and found by one James Potter, because Peter had shoved it into the pile of Transfiguration homework he had borrowed, copied and forgotten to return.
INTRODUCTION a.k.a the preemptive ramblings of a retired and regretful heterosexual
Now, as a man who decided that he had to kiss... and shag many, many frogs before eventually kissing his best friend, I reckon I have a bit of a charm with the ladies. No - no, Moony, this will not upset Prongs because he told me just last night that he's over the ginger - good thing, that, as well, when you have a ginger the next twenty generations are ginger too and Merlin knows the bullying only gets worse.
Shhh... shh everyone. Pete told me that he thought that Hufflepuff girl.. the one with the weird Greek name - what is it with wizards and the ancient folk, can't get enough of them - was pretty, and as his best mate I reckon I've had a bit of practise on the ladies, and it's only fair that someone else gets to use my wisdom because I'll never have to again.
Now, James, I know Pete here, bless his cotton socks and unkempt hair, is helplessly scribbling all this down, well the Quick-Quotes Quill we nabbed is at least... but I reckon you could do with listening as well.
Yes - yes, I reckon a lot of things. But considering my history and success rate - which is around 85 to 90 percent, I'll have you know - this is valuable information I'm giving you, and I reckon you wankers can all take a page out of Moony's book and shut the fuck up before I poke your eyes out with that stupid quill.
Alright? We've all settled down, all got a drink to get through... Remus, I'm looking at you. Yes, yes, good. Alright, you ready? Pete, is the quill all good to go? James, have you stopped with that stupid hair thing yet? No? Alright, well we can't expect miracles here, so keep doing that, and just listen, okay?
NO. 1 DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, LISTEN TO THE ADVICE IN THAT AWFUL 'TWELVE FAIL-SAFE WAYS TO CHARM A WITCH' BEG OF A BOOK
It's worthless, and a mockery of everything flirting with a pretty witch stands for. It's any wizards first port of call for this kind of advice, but let me tell you why not to use it.
No, Remus, it's not because I tried all the things on there and failed miserably. Swear on my life, I tell you it isn't.
