i've never felt good enough.
Good enough for anything. A relationship, a job, even just a friend. I'm just not good enough.
Everyday it's the same routine.
1. Wake up
2. School
3. Call friends
4. Shower
5. Sleep
Everyday. That's it. It's nothing else.
I wait for something to happen. I wait so patiently. Nothings new, nothing happens. I'm almost always on the phone with someone. Even if the person hates me and I know it. It distracts me from reality. It takes me from the pains of the world and just lets me rest with a friend.
Recently I think I've had some good friends. Let me explain.
I was always aware of this friend group and they were always aware of me ofc, it's a big group. There's over 10 people. One day randomly i noticed everyone was getting pretty heated towards this one girl and I never knew who she even was. Her name was Vera. Vera was apparently talking behind everyone's back so they all turned on her.
To me, I thought they'd all be upset or at-least she would be upset. But instead they invited me into their little clique as a replacement. Although I felt nervous.
This wasn't my first time being invited into their group. You know, it's a basic story.
Lyric and Hachi fell in love, well, maybe not love. It isn't my place to say but it was mostly lust. Anyway. They broke up during an argument I'm guessing. Afterwards everyone was split into two halves depending on who they're biased to. Lyric or Hachi. I was closer to lyric. So they associated me with her. Eventually I fell in love with Lyric, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Then lyric got a girlfriend, and I ended up right back at the start.
The start being, trying to clear my records. I was associated with her because of my obvious feelings, but that didn't make me responsible for anything she did. It really was hard to believe when they all said they didn't hate me. Eventually I just accepted it knowing there's always a chance it's a lie.
Now we're caught up and back to the part where I was brought in as Vera's replacement. If you were in my situation you'd feel nervous to be in the group to wouldn't you? After all I was associated with someone who isn't me.
It's been probably a month or two since I got to know everyone again. They're not as bad as some people made them out to be. I was for once pretty happy, because before them I was really losing a lot of friends. They added me to this big group chat with the rest of them, you know typical things, all cliques have group chats. They were new friends so I didn't have much trust in them yet. It was muscle memory to search my name up in the group. You would do it too!
At first I thought I'd find like one "oh she's so weird" or "she should get a life" but what I saw wasn't what I wanted. There were 5 slides of just things said about me, and while I was looking at these I was on call with them. I quickly excused myself from the call I said I had to go do chores and help my mom, but I was actually crying.
(note: all names are changed for privacy reasons)
