The next day i woke up feeling shockingly energized and happy. i felt like i was floating through the sky and everything was so perfect. this was all a new experience, but i like it.
Today i was gonna hang out with the group again, regardless of how i felt before i wanted to be in the conversation again. despite leaving i wanted this. i'm ignoring my overthinking for once and being in the main room instead of the background.
Normal hangout things happened towards the course of hours. you know it was just a normal day. i could tell Raya felt awkward about what happened last night because of how she kept looking at me. but i know she meant well with it.
Everyone got ready to leave again late at night, since it was the weekend. it was just lin, raya and i left. it was just silent for a while then i saw raya whisper something to lin. i didn't know what she said but i heard lin scream "oh i'm sorry i'm interrupting! i'll go." and she walked away.
Raya then turned to me. i was already nervously shaking a bit just looking into her eyes. my mind started turning to the bad again. if she asks me out right now, what happens to us afterwards? i can't say no. with everybody watching us i could feel the pressure build up in my veins all at once. even though nobody was around us and not even close enough to hear us talking, they're still watching. what if i end up saying no? i wouldn't feel good.
i want to be with her, but i don't want to harm her. i don't understand my feelings and what if i'm wrong? what if i only like her for a short amount of time? i don't want to lose feelings for her and have to be the one to break up with her. cause i know for a fact she'd never break up with me.
she brought me back down to earth for a second by asking me a question.
"you know how i ranted about, ahem, all that last night?" she asked
i kept eye contact with her looking up and nodded awkwardly. i was practically shaking at this point, i was scared.
"i know i already spoke about it yesterday but.. i feel like i should get it off my chest again." she said.
i could feel my heart pound out of my chest as the cold winter breeze blew past while waiting for her to continue talking. i already knew what she's going to say, but i needed to hear it from her and not my minds depictions of her.
"you know how i can't stop thinking about you and i like you so much and you and you're just-" she started saying, stuttering a lot.
"Raya. let me save you the embarrassment. get to the point please." i responded
i regretted saying this very fast because i probably hurt her but i mean i got results sooo...
"ah um okay.. i feel like i need to get this out because i really do not want to hold back anymore. i don't care what people would say about us, or me. i just know i want to be with you, cherish moments with you, be there for you. even through arguments, problems, rumors, drama, i will be there. i know you don't have experience with relationships, so i will be there to guide you. i want to be with you, JJ. i want to be yours and i want you to be mine."
tears start to form in my eyes. knowing i waited long for her to say this, knowing the things i thought about her. knowing how much i love her when i tried to stop. knowing what comes next if i say yes.
