(content / trigger warning, this entry includes mentions of self harm.)
i'm not in love anymore. at least I think I'm not.
I've been like trying to lose feelings for Raya for a while now, and I've been trying to make her lose feelings too. you know like making weird comments, or saying rude things, or just acting weird in general, to like maybe like give her a reason to stop liking me. but it's just it feels impossible because I can't get her to stop liking me.
I forced myself to stop liking her because I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I feel like I don't love myself enough to love somebody else yet, and I also feel like she's the same way. you know I feel like we despite like the relationship we had without relationship, that was nice. but I don't think it would work out.
at all I remind everyone in that friend group that this is temporary. that I am temporary. I am temporary in their lives, and I am temporary on earth. I'm gonna die one day and I'm not going to be friends with them one day.
they're like Disney kids though, if you tell them anything about losing friends they're like "no this friend group will last forever and nothings gonna happen to it and we're all going to stay here together forever." yet every single thing I predict about the group happens.
like in my head I say I feel like an argument is going to happen. guess what? an argument happened lost a friend. then I feel like oh I think something really weird is going to happen then we're gonna lose another one. they were like "no that's not gonna happen it's not gonna happen" but I did. and we lost two people. and I feel like I want to be the next person to leave to be honest.
this friend group is great but I just feel like it's too much. it's not my kind of people old are strange I just like I don't know how to exactly deal with them talk to them or like anything at all.
let me explain what happened to follow with my last entry. so in the last one you saw that i was questioning my feelings, wondering which side to choose, do i like her or love her or hate her etcetera etcetera. i came to the conclusion that i should just force myself to lose feelings and move on.
i've been hinting to everyone that my place in their lives is merely temporary and i'm going to be gone soon. i forced myself to stop liking Raya. i knew i couldn't handle it. i knew it wouldn't be good for me.
instead of focusing on things i loved about her, i neared my focus to the things that bothered me. it was hard to do so, controlling your feelings isn't easy. but i managed it. i started to stop thinking about her before i slept, and stopped thinking about her when i woke up. i stopped texting her as often and stopped looking at her photos when i missed her. my feelings had been buried and my heart was free. it didn't feel good, but it was for the best.
i planned the night prior that i would block everyone on everything and avoid any questions or any messages i get from them. despite them being practically all i have, i couldn't keep with them. i tried to hint at my disappearance while talking to them that night. i wasn't putting on an act anymore, and i was being honest to them. i was rude to Lin and Adria, because they always made me feel bad. and i didn't act how i usually did.
i sent a paragraph to everyone, about how i question my place in their group. question my purpose to them. after all, my spot in their group was brought upon by a mishap. they found out vera was a total bitch and used me to replace her. they didn't take me seriously. my feelings felt invalidated, and that encouraged my urge to disappear. everyone's response was either backhanded or flat out rude. i did not want to be in a group with people who invalidate perfectly valid feelings
one comment that stuck with me was the one from Adria, she was saying stuff like "oh here she goes again" or "you're always saying shit like this calm down." maybe if you hear me saying shit like that it's indicating something. Adria was by far my least favorite member of that group. she somehow always made me feel the worst in myself whenever anyone else let me express my feelings.
she reminds me a lot of my mother, which isn't a necessarily bad thing because i love my mother. but she's like how my mother is when she's stressed angry and tired but all the time. you can't say a word around her without being invalidated. i'm sure she doesn't mean it but it really makes u feel sick.
to start my little disappearance the first thing i did was i left any group i was in that had even one of them in it, i unfollowed their social medias and i blocked a few of them. now i didn't block all of them and i have reason for that. i blocked Adria, Lin, and Kaiya.
Adria because she goes out of her way to make me feel less than her. even if she doesn't mean to she hurts my feelings just being herself. Lin because she practically does the same she's just weirder about it. And Kaiya because whatever says goes.
if you read my last entry you'd know this little group was just a long game of telephone. im not going to even allow Kaiya to look at anything i post or say somewhere if i know that someone else will see it too.
just like that i woke up and i was officially gone. i didn't text anyone. i didn't call. i turned off the little thing that shows that your online on all my apps. i didn't even open anyone's messages. i was gone.
it was supposed to feel good, you know being dead to them finally. hoping Raya loses feelings for me so i can move on too, hoping everyone hates me so i can move on too. but i just felt pain.
i watched them for a while. i waited for how they'd treat the situation. it seemed almost as if they didn't care. they went from treating it like a hoax to treating it as if it didn't exist at all.
i wanted to be unknown, so that should've felt good, but why does it hurt? i felt my heart get kind of heavy. i thought i only needed one day to get rid of my relations and kind of just fade away.
i continued to watch them throughout the day. seemed the only person worried was Raya. knowing it was only her hurt my heart. i didn't want to do this to her, but it's good for me. i thought to myself the feeling will pass it'll get better
until it didn't get better. until it started to dig a wound. they began to treat me like a part of the past. it was only a few hours in, yet i was already past. nobody seemed to even mind me being gone anymore. they used was instead of is, they used wouldn't instead of won't. i officially crossed over, they didn't care.
getting rid of them was supposed to clear my head for myself. i wanted to focus on me. my feelings felt like they were distracting me from school, work, money, home life. so i had to cut it off, and i did. but it just made me sink into deeper depression than i was already in.
knowing how much i care about them all and they can't even sent out a "r u ok?" text?? that hurts.
i started breaking. one situation reminded me of another and another led to another and i just couldn't handle it anymore. i started crying. i was crying a lot. surrounded by the darkness of my room and the light rain outside.
i tried to stop crying. i had no time to cry. i have work to do i have other things i need to do that my time doesn't need to be wasted on anything but those. but i couldn't stop.
i felt numb, yet full of pain. i couldn't feel anything but i felt everything all at once.
i saw a blade across my room and it was so tempting, and i tried to stop myself but i couldn't help it.
i don't know what came over me. and i just laid there. crying. even after taking a blade to my skin i still couldn't feel anything. i kept thinking to myself that pain wasn't enough, i still don't feel, i still can't feel.
at this point i laid there in my bed staring blankly at my computer screen. i wasn't looking at anything or working. i was just so drained. so tired. why do i feel this way though? i left them to get better. it's only been a day.
do you ever have those moments where you feel like you're dead. your alive but not living. you can feel everything but you can feel nothing.
i cant feel, i cant think, i cant forget. i'm not dead but i'm dead. i've been pushed into the past. i'm just another meaningless piece of time to everyone. im gone.
