Lavender & Ice

19. The Harsh Truth

"You've been unusually quiet." Kietnan stated calmly from his desk. "And still."

"I've just been thinking." She shrugged.

"Mmm."

About what Shima?  Oh, nothing. Just about my uselessness, my full blown dependence on you, my constant fear that you'll stop wanting to help me. 

But of course that conversation didn't happen. He didn't ask her that question, nor would he.

Probably half an hour later, Mustering up the little courage she had, she asked him. "Kietnan?"

"Hmm?"

"How dangerous are these trials, really? You were so weak last time. I wasn't sure what was going on, but you can tell me now."

"They are meant to test our abilities. Not everyone will succeed."

"But ..... will everyone walk away unharmed?"

"Some will not walk away at all."  He said flatly, as if he were talking about the weather.

"Kietnan... Are you telling me you might die over the next few days?"

He shrugged. "I have confidence in my abilities, but it is a possibility, yes."

She sat down on the floor, near the wood stove, warming her back. Bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them, resting her chin on her knee caps. 

"Why are you doing this? Why risk your life?"

"It is expected of me."

"And you always do what is expected of you?" She looked at him expectantly

He put the papers down and looked up at her, sighing.  "Most of the time, yes. I try to. It is easier that way."

"Easier?" She stood up, balling her hands into fists at her sides as she stalked closer to his desk. "Easier to do what is expected of you and risk your life?  Why would anyone expect this of you? What is the point of these trails? I don't understand."

He stood and walked over to her, putting one hand on her shoulder, and reaching the other hand up to wipe a tear from her cheek. She didn't even realize she had started crying.

"In this situation, Shima. I do not have a choice."

"Are you saying you're required to do the trials? Not just expected? What would happen if you refused? Does anyone ever refuse?

"If anyone has ever refused, I would not have heard about it. They would have brought their family so much shame they would have been erased from all records, never to be remembered.

Her entire body tensed. Was he saying they would be killed? Not just him, but his entire family? She was too stunned to voice it. Too scared.

"Do not worry, Shima, I will not die."

"How are you so confident?" She whispered.

"You have so little faith in me? I thought you trusted me?" He smirked.

"Don't joke at a time like this Kietnan! She brought a fist up to his shoulder, hitting him weekly. And leaving it there. You know I trust you. I trust you with everything. That's what makes this all the harder. What will happen to me if you just don't come home one day?"

He stiffened and frowned. "I..." he looked down  as if thinking over what to say. He reached his hand up and held hers, which she had unconsciously slid down to his chest. "That will not happen, Shima."  He said determinedly.

She looked down and sighed. "Can you truly promise me that?"

"Shima..." When he didn't continue, she hesitantly looked up at him. "I do not plan to die. But if I am ever not here, for any reason, go to the dining tent and find Milleck. She is a friend and will help you."