A Study in Love

Chapter 43

„Oh, now it's Matt, huh?"

I allowed myself to lean into his touch. To give in to him for just a minute. Matt leaned down, his lips ghosting over mine, a smirk returning to his lips. A dark promise.

„Do you want this, Hannah?"

„I do." Matt's hand wandered down to my ass, squeezing.

„Just not with you." I added.

„I have no desire to be in another sex-tape, sir" I concluded, pulling away from him.

Matt's hands dropped to his sides.

„Listen, Matt. I need you too stay away. I am simply too weak, if you continue giving me the opportunity, sooner or later I will give in. And I can not do that again. I can not handle this. Please, Matt. Please. I am begging you: stop this madness. I know this is hard. And it hurts. But you need to stop. The flowers, everyday. It makes me sick. I look at them and I think of you, how you are not with me and-"

„What flowers?" He couldn't be serious. Did he really believe that playing dumb would calm me down?

„Don't do this. You know what flowers I am talking about. The ones that I find on my doorstep every fucking morning! I don't even have a vase that is big enough anymore, Matt. I thought you wanted to respect my wishes!"

„And I did." Matt began pacing the room, leaving me stranded in the middle of it, my head spinning.

„No," I began again, stressing the word.

„You did not. What you did was send me flowers every morning reminding me of you."

„Hannah." Matt's face was more serious than I had anticipated.

„What."

„I did not send you any flowers."

„Oh."

„I would have loved to." Matt immediately said, sensing the disappointment in me even before I myself did.

„God, Hannah. You should be showered in flowers, and yet none of them could compare to you. But you asked me to stay away. And even though it pained me to no end, I did."

„So... If you didn't send them-"

„I do not want you to panic, Hannah. This could be anyone. But we must take into consideration that it might be Lysander."

„I thought he was in jail?" My heart was beating way too fast and I was beginning to feel dizzy from hyperventilating.

„He was, yes. But someone paid to get him out."

„How-"

„He had a great lawyer."

„I shot him, you know." I lifted my head, meeting his gaze.

„When he aimed the gun at me, I was frozen with fear, but then he turned to you and I just... I shot a man because of you."

„You were protecting yourself."

Tears began dwelling in my eyes for the first time since the hospital. I hadn't let myself feel all of this. I had shut it away, deep deep within myself. But Matt had picked the lock and now words were falling out of my mouth without any filter.

„That's the problem, Matt. I wasn't. I was protecting you." I sniffled, wrapping my arms around myself protectively, effectively hugging myself for comfort. Matt furrowed his brows, carefully approaching me again.

„You are upset because you protected me?"

„No, of course not. I am upset because I didn't protect myself."

Matt's mouth opened and this might have been the first time I had ever seen him speechless. So I continued.

„The moment you revealed the camera, something broke inside of me. It felt like all my will to fight was just... gone? And I don't even blame you, of course I am angry and it was a stupid thing you did. But the moment I realized all the things you had told me had been a lie... I just... I am sorry, I should nor have told you this. I just- I need you to understand why I can not get close to you anymore. I was okay with dying. Hell, maybe I even wanted to die. Over a stupid sex-tape. You have too much power over me and I can't let you destroy me again, okay?"

Spence's eyes glistened with tears and I was full on crying. I hadn't even realized half of the things I had just told him until they had come out of my mouth.
Matt extended his hand towards me and I wanted nothing more than to take it and just let Matt hold my while I wept.

„Good night, Professor." I said instead, forcing myself out of his office and into the hallway. I was pulling the door shut behind me, as I felt myself step onto something. I looked down, confused. There, on the doorstep of Matt's office laid a flower.