skullcrusher

confessions of a lovelorn youth

tonight my veins are liquid lapis and my lip is bitten, courtesy to someone else's teeth. you must have loved me, because you stood me, and if i can't say you always did so by me, or under, then i can say that you didn't walk out the moment a weird laugh left my lungs when i felt like i was choking on them. tonight they are rotting and i am wondering if we should have left it at 'i don't know if i'm ready' and when i think of you in golden sunrises i don't think twice about the couple of tears that fail to remain contained because i'm used to it by now. tonight i am withstanding the cold, cold winds and rejecting jackets offered because it reminds me how painfully i wanted you to take mine. tonight i will still cry when i hear your favourite song but the cosmos will not collapse for us and the world will keep spinning even if you're miles away from my hometown but mere inches away from my aorta and there must be a crimson trail behind me as long as our history, for i must admit that tonight i am bleeding, leaving strings of red in the untainted, white snow. and i'm sorry that i was not your soulmate. i would have tried. i would have changed everything, if it meant you could linger for a minute longer. tonight i am wondering if you still sleep in and if you bite your lip the same way and if you dance with the same smugness and if your favourite colour is still green and if you know that if you asked me to, i would have changed everything just so i no longer have to wonder, the same way you have irreparably changed me. tonight i am asking myself if i changed you at all, and how much, and i don't know which possibility leaves me more bitter in the eyes of this loss. i would want to have had an impact, but i can't bear the thought that you lost the same smile i fell in love with. i am sure that if tonight i were to see you, i would crumble and fall to my knees, but i would not regret anything, i don't want to forget your face, if it stings like ripping an eye out. tonight, if you also wonder, my eye color is still green and i am hoping your eyes are still the same gorgeous gray that i want to bestow epithets upon as one by one ice cube disappears into my drink and one by one cigarette disappears from the box. i want to ask you if it hurt, but i don't know if i want the answer. i could not live with myself if i left you broken, but i shudder when i entertain the thought that none of this meant anything to you. by no intention of mine, i'm still a perpetual heartbreaker. tonight my cheeks are red with someone else's lipstick marks and i will still mistake this for their pure kindness. i can't find it in me to believe someone could love me like that. i find friends in people who want more than that. i still belong to you, whether you know you took parts of me and left me incomplete or not. you must have loved me. you must have loved me. you must have. i repeat it to myself like a mantra when sobs come out as waterfalls when i should be sleeping. i should be sleeping. it'll almost be a year. i should be sleeping. 662 days and counting since i first picked up my notebook in awe of your beauty. 662 days and i should retire you. i'm sorry i wasn't your soulmate. i know you were mine, because i have not once thought about loving anyone else since we parted. you have ruined me, for everyone. i have ruined myself, for you, and i would do it 662 times over again. i would have changed everything, and i fear i have changed nothing. tonight, my atoms effervesce as i lay on wet pavement, looking for answers in constellations. i would have changed them. i would have changed — everything. anything. i must have loved you, because every moment i spend without you is fillled with routinely staleness: not much is new, four weeks and six days. a month and then some since you uttered a word to me. i still forgive you. i still love you. tonight i am afraid that i will never stop.