skullcrusher

midsummer night's terror

tonight i wish to disappear completely. pictures of bygones unfold like lilypad petals in the ponds of lost youth. angels believe in you, i know, somewhere. angels believe in you, and not even god can forgive me. february passes me like shivers, and i think that, tonight, i wish to disappear.

i cannot fathom why you won't leave me. i belong in a tumoltous past, picking rose stems to be weaved into crowns in the garden of eden, crying tears of embers that burn scales into pale wrists. i fall headfirst out of heaven, which weeps for your having left it. saints in my dreams pull you apart from me as you cling, and your skin comes undone from a tug at the lock of your hair, until all that is left of you is a heart. they, too, know that it should not beat for me. don't you know that you are not mine? you never were. you never should be. i love you so much that i can no longer want you. i will always be yours, but you cannot ask me to take you from your home. you belong to happiness, rays of sunlight that turn streams of tears to glitter, baby breath boquets, strawberry fields, springtime; love. i must lose, so that you can prevail. i must paint you into my poetry with a halo around your head, so that they all know you had one. i must write of heartbreak, so that you may remain a muse. i must miss you. you must leave me. you must.

tonight i wish to disappear. to be erased from any semblance of your longing. to not exist in a past or a future, to not have been there for the memories you still think of, late in the night. i could not deserve you if i tried. i wish for you to hate me, to make fun of me in front of the friends i never got along with, if that's what it will take for you to laugh again. i wish for you to never have loved me or known me. i wish for you to hear this: please do not want me. people like you should have nothing to want. leave me to rot in a lapse of memory. forget me. forget me. forget, so that you can remember how heaven tasted before the bitter apple. i would bite it again and again and again, if it meant that you will never again follow my example. why can't you understand? this is why i must go. the pain of my loss can never be worse than the pain of my presence, so why do you yearn for it?

tonight, i wish that i had burned with my wings down my way to eternal damnation, if it meant that you never saw me fall. if it meant that you would never have fallen for me. i wish to disappear, so that your smile may never. i wish to never have touched an angel with my unclean hands.