~*~
Lily
Matthius thinks that my predicament is easy. No. Just the thought itself that I am my mother's child is not easy.
I grew up in a broken home -- I was 2 when my father lost his visiting rights because he was either too drunk or too high to drive or sit me. Because of that I have no memory of him, ni hindi ko maalala ang hitsura ng mukha niya, what's his eye color, the sound of his voice or the strands of his hair. Then I was 7 when I met the great Alfonso Nikanor Gallego, he became my mom's boyfriend. I was 12 when we migrated in this country and life was not always easy or so I thought because it became more miserable when we moved -- I was subjected to bullying because of my hair color and the communication barrier. The sad thing is, the bullying does not only come from school, kahit saan ako magpunta ay nakasunod ito sa akin. The town's skeptics call me "Anak ng pokpok," I heard oftenly, that's the way they describe me...through my mother and her sins. Sometimes, in their eyes, I am the sin itself kaya noong unang beses akong sinubukang i-adopt ni Mayor, umayaw ako and I hated the fact that I am a Gallego now. Wala akong magawa dahil wala sa kapangyarihan.
"Lily?"
I abruptly wiped the fresh batch of tears that rolled down my cheeks when I heard Aya's high pitched voice. I know she's on the other side of the cubicle door.
"Lily, are you in there?" she mimicked Anna's style from Frozen.
"Bakla labas na dyan," Shin said. "Ambaho kaya rito sa CR."
"Sa true!" Zurielle agreed.
Surely, public school bathrooms are not a place to be emotional but it always saved me from embarassment. Noong mga panahong wala pa akong kaibigan, laging dito ako nagtatago, CR ang takbuhan ko. That's why I'm always thankful that my friends always have my back. They will always be my constant.
"Kinausap na nila Ma'am Joy si Gallego sa Guidance Office," Vans said. "Please come out, mabaho talaga rito sa CR," she pleaded.
I pat dry my cheeks and eyes before opening the cubicle. Mabilis na bumungad sa akin ang yakap ni Aya at Elle. "Anong nangyari?" they asked while patting my back.
"Pwede 'wag dito sa loob ang interview, mabaho talaga itong CR," reklamo ni Shin while towering all over us.
"Sa labas tayo," I said. Nakapila kaming lumabas and we walked for a few moments until we reached the Science garden. Nang makaupo kaming lahat ay saka ako nagkwento. "Nagkapikunan kami," I trailed off. "He hated the fact that I'm his new sister -- legally speaking. Siya ang nauna, pakiramdam niya ay inaagawan ko siya ng tatay."
"Kaya ka niya kinuwelyuhan?" Vans asked.
"Yes and I got scared when he pulled my collar, I thought he would punch the living hell out of me."
"Dapat dun binabangasan, aabangan ko mamayang hapon yun," Shin commented as she started to walk back and forth in front of us, as if she's planning something sinister.
"Tapos ano, ikaw naman ang maga-Guidance?" Zurielle countered.
"Bakit? Maghihiganti ako para kay Lily, walang magmu-move on -- "
"Tama na, Shin. Let's just keep it that way and let the teachers do their job," Vans said.
"Ay naku hindi, baka bigyan pa nila ng special treatment si Gallego."
"Shin, you don't have to worry about it. It's my problem -- "
"Pero -- " Vans glared at Shin, at muntik na kaming matawa nang umingos na lang ang nahuli at labas sa ilong na sumuko. "Sige, kayo bahala dyan," nakasimangot niyang sabi bago naupo muli.
Later that day ay hindi na ako tumuloy pang pumasok sa mga natitira naming subjects dahil sa kahihiyan. "First day palang naman," I thought when I got home. "Walang masyadong gagawin." Makiki-update na lang ako sa GC mamaya para sa mga assignments at namiss kong seatworks kung meron man. Bukas ko na lang din iisipin kung paano ako makaka-survive.
"Hello, Pheonix! Yes, I'm home early," bati ko sa pusa ko nang makita ko siya sa doorstep. She's a 16-year old British shorthair cat na niregalo sa akin when I was 2, it was the last gift I had from my father kaya mahal na mahal ko siya. Although she's already old and weary, she's still sweet and cuddly. Minsan, sa mga umagang ayaw ko nang bumangon, siya na lang ang iniisip ko para magpatuloy na lumaban.
I smiled bitterly. The utter sadness and silence it gives is very difficult to deal, minsan pa nga'y ayaw matapos. My friends talked to me about this, they said I need professional help but it's not the kind of help that I want.
I want the help that will hug me so tenderly, so much that it will break my bones but cages my heart. I want the help that will hug me very eagerly because the world does not know how I am at my lowest point. I want the help that will heal me.
"You're early today," Mayor Nik said. His voice was deep and concern is heard from his tone. Nilingon ko ang kinaroroonan niya, he's at the driveway at kabababa niya lang ng van.
"I ditched," I replied carefully, not wanting to open the topic about his son grabbing me and testing if he knows something about it now. "First days are boring so..." I said.
"Really?" He walked towards me and towered. Hanggang dibdib niya lang ako so I had to look up at him. "I know you're lying, hija," he said that was followed by a sigh.
"Alam mo naman pala, why do you even care?" pabalang kong sagot.
He reach out to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Look, ako na ang personal na humihingi ng tawad sa ginawa ni Matthius kanina sa'yo," he piped. "Alam mo naman 'yun, he resents me, too...I kinda need both of your good sides dahil mga anak ko kayo." Ang rangal niyang pakinggan pero nakakasuka iyon para sa'kin, he's always there to take his children's fall.
Sometimes I think that I resent him too much because I never had a father or I resent him too much because he pampers his kids too often.
"Matthius is surely sorry about his actions toward you, pagbigyan mo na ang kapatid mo, anak -- "
"Hindi ka ba nasusuka for calling me 'anak'? And kapatid? Your children never treated me like I'm one of them..." I cut between his sentence. "So stop calling me anak and if Matthius is sorry, he better say it to my face not through you. My room is just a wall away from his, we even share the same balcony," mahaba kong sabi before walking away.
I heard him calling my name but I refuse to look back and listen to his bullshits. Nakakapagod din kasi.
---x
