Warm Hands

five

i walk through the cold warehouse and yawn as i enter the locker room. i open my locker and grab my lunchbox. as i grab it, the touch reminds me of my sister. her laughter fills my ears and the feel of her soft hands replace my lunchbox. i sigh, and the friendly reminder of her leaves. i frown as i walk into the cafeteria.

joshua waves me over as i enter. the smile from earlier creeps back onto my face. i sit down next to him and open the lunchbox with food made specially from atticus. i take the soft sandwich and take a bite from it. i can taste all the flavors individually, they all remind me of home. well, at least the home i had built with atticus.

i'm dragged out of the safety of my imagination when joshua's voice takes over my thoughts, "today was probably the most boring day ever. nothing happened. not once!" he whines, i laugh. "isn't that a good thing? normally when things happen down here they aren't the best," i stop laughing to take another bite of my sandwich. it doesn't remind me of home anymore. "yeah, i guess you're right," joshua smiles as he continues eating his noodles.

my phone buzzes and i pull it out excitedly. i read the caller id. i analyze every letter.

"atticus!" my voice is high, and i'm sure he can tell i'm excited. i know joshua can. his smile at my excitement makes me happier. i feel like a child again, being carefully watched by my parents as i run around the house. "hey, honeypot. how's work?" his voice sends a warm feeling through my body. "it was alright, it was kind of boring. joshua said the same thing, i guess it's just a slow day," i explain through the phone.

the warmth leaves my body. it gets replaced with a certain coldness almost immediately. a familiar coldness, a coldness that makes my heart stop for a second. joshua's smile seems to fade, but i'm not paying enough attention to tell for certain. i focus only on the words from atticus, which seems to take eternities to get back to me.

"oh, that's good! well, we're probably stealing all your business!" he laughs, i can feel the coldness slowly make its way out of my body. "i actually have to get off, we're really busy right now. talk to you later, buzzy bee!" "talk to you later, atticus," i reply. there's still a hint of happiness to my reply, but nowhere near as much as i originally had.

the phone call end and i place my phone back in my lunchbox. when i look back over, joshua has regained his smile. well, if he even lost it in the first place. "so, about tomorrow," he begins, smiling happily at his phone as he takes it from his pocket.

he shows me his phone, which is pulled up to a web page. "so, this is where i was thinking we could go tomorrow," he says, scrolling down the page. "it looks nice! i think my sister went here with her friends once," i smile. "oh, really? my mother told me about it!" he looks away from his phone and looks at me, still smiling.

he turns back to his phone and pulls up the photos section. he hands his phone to me. i scroll through the photos, making sure the phone is still visible to joshua. he points to some and makes a comment about how beautiful it looks. i smile and nod in agreement.

when we finish looking at everything, i hand josh his hand back and smile, "i think i know exactly what to wear." he laughs, "really? i don't think about that stuff until the last minute. you're better than me." i shrug and roll my eyes.

that was something i had noticed about myself ages ago. i liked to control small things. the big things had never been left to me when i was younger, so it felt impossible to do them. so, i stayed back and made sure everything small was perfect.

—
the soft glow from the kitchen lights draw me in. i yawn as i watch atticus running back and forth making food for the both of us. atticus told me he'd make my portions smaller so we wouldn't waste any food. i know he'd make me more if i was hungry later.

"hey, i'm gonna go home with joshua tomorrow," i shamefully admit. i felt like a wife cheating on her husband with her "work husband." i felt dirty. and guilty. "oh, really? alright, i might go out to eat with lydia. the girl from my work, you've met her," he grins and washes his hands. i smile.

i didn't like the idea of lydia and him. i guess i didn't really get a say, i was hanging out with josh. josh didn't love me romantically. i know lydia had a thing for atticus. i know lydia wants to do horrible things to atticus. i can't bear to think about it anymore.

"my mom is really excited to come over for christmas. i know she looks forward to this visit," atticus laughs. i frown and lose my composure—that i managed to keep when he mentioned lydia.

atticus' family was such a hard topic for me. with them coming here this year for the first time, i know they'd hate it. they've put off coming here for so long for a reason. hoping we'd break up before we'd have to meet.

i shrug, "i don't think she likes me." atticus starts putting our food on plates. "are you kidding? she loves you!" atticus cries. i shake my head, "whatever." atticus sits down beside me, "i don't know why you think she wouldn't like you. she told me how much she adores you."

"because i'm your boyfriend! obviously she told you that," i yell. i feel tears form in my eyes, i hated myself when i yelled. i back down and lower my voice to almost a whisper, "she blatantly ignored me anytime i tried to talk to her. i can see her whispering to your dad and pointing at me. she stares at me with disgust at EVERY dinner."

"that's because she doesn't wanna lose her son, you have to understand," atticus hold my hands. i pull them away and put them on my lap. "no, atticus. she doesn't want to lose you to me."

atticus sighs and we start eating in silence. i love atticus, and i know he loves me. but sometimes i wonder if he loves his mom more than me. loves her enough to leave me for her.

—
atticus is already fast asleep. i can't bring myself to sleep. i know i'll be unbearable tomorrow if i don't sleep now, but there's too much going on to try. i'm sleepy, but not enough to actually sleep.

i sit down at our desk and lay my head down. i think of atticus and his mother. i think of his father, and his brother, and his sister. Sometimes his sister would bring a boy to dinners, but never the same one. how could her parents still boast her?

i close my eyes and start to fall asleep on our desk. i could save these thoughts for another day. i was too tired to think about this now.

why don't you boast me, atticus?