Who he used to be

Chapter 3

Dear diary, 29 October 2016,9:46pm
I can’t believe it but I did it. We we’re playing duo ranked matches when I told her I won’t be playing LOW after the puja holidays end, since I had to seriously start preparing for my boards now. She was quite disheartened, I could feel it. She said, “I’ll miss you, you know it’s not very hard for me to make online friends since I’m a girl, and I do get a lot of attention in game, but you were the first person I felt like I had a connection with, like I had known you for much longer than these few days. I wish I could have friend like you in real life. I have many friends but deep down I know most of them are jealous and fake. Yeah, not all but ‘most’.” I told her that we could be more than just online friends, we live in the same city. She was ecstatic but also mad that I didn’t tell her before but she never asked. So, I asked her if we could meet at a café nearby and she agreed saying it was pretty close to her house. We decided to meet tomorrow at 5pm. I wanted to ask her about her real name, where she studied and more just to clear my doubts but before I could she went offline. Now I can’t fall asleep thinking if it really is Shreya or someone else. I thought of possible ideas for conversations so that we won’t be sitting there awkwardly, I also surfed the internet to try drop some hints because even though I wasn’t sure who she was, I knew she was my soulmate. I have fallen for the person I talked to, whether or not it is Shreya.
“Time for the big reveal.” Harsh thought to himself as he glanced at the time. “holy sh- it is already 1:30. I better sleep or I’ll be late for class tomorrow. But I really wanna continue reading this. Okay last diary entry, and then I sleep.”

Dear diary, 30 October 2016, 9:23pm
I literally can’t believe it. Yes, I know I keep repeating this phrase but everytime it just keeps reaching a different level of unexpected. I mean it wasn’t totally unexpected since I had been speculating and foreshadowing but…. Okay let me cut to the chase. It’s SHREYA, Shelly is Shreya. The girl I had had a crush on for over a year, and the girl that I fell for and thought was my soulmate, they are the same person. Today is officially the best day of my life. Yes, yes, I know just because they both are the same person, doesn’t mean Shreya or Shelly has feelings for me. But Shelly did say she found me cute once so I do stand a fair chance, right? And no, none of my ideas for conversations worked let alone dropping hints. I just sat there too stunned to speak when Shreya broke the ice by asking whether we should get something to drink. She also said, “You have always been such a quite kid, I didn’t expect you to be so fun and handsome while doing clutches.” She could see me blush shyly as I said, “I almost couldn’t believe my ears when you said handsome but then in game, that sounded more believable.” “No, that’s definitely not what I meant. You are more of the cute type than handsome in real life. But you should have a little more confidence in yourself than that.” Was she actually flirting with me? I was too dumb to process what she meant back there. I just said, “That coming from a girl as pretty as you, is hard to believe. You’re obviously pulling my leg now.” But no, she actually wasn’t pulling my leg but trying to help me see how wonderful I truly am and that I should appreciate it. How can I expect others to like me when I do not even appreciate myself. This is the first time someone said things like these to me. No one bothers themselves with me because I’m an introvert, but is the first person that helped me boost my self-confidence and I might even break out of my bubble like this. No one ever made me feel so seen before. But, Okay I got too sentimental and got carried away, but she asked to meet again. She texted after she reached home saying she was happy to spend time with me and asked if I was down for going out to eat momos the next day. Ofcourse, I agreed. I can’t wait to meet her again.

Dear Diary, 31 October 2016, 10:09pm
When I say I had a blast today, I’m not exaggerating. We went out to have some pizza, turns out she loves the peppy paneer one just like me, and then hung out together in park and even played a few ranked matches. I feel like I’m a completely different person around her. I was quite self conscious of people giving judgey looks but she reminded me, I should enjoy myself and stop worrying about what other people might be thinking. I haven’t had such great time in my entire life. Old me would get so conscious in public that I preferred staying home and missed out on the fun of partying, shopping and much more. Shreya is literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m already smitten with her. But I can’t tell her just yet, not until I know for sure she feels the same way. I’m afraid to lose her, to lose whatever we have right now. Since school’s gonna open in two days, I asked her if we could go out for a movie the next day. She agreed excitedly and asked which movie we should go for. I let her decide and to my astonishment she chose “Ae dil hai muskil” a romantic drama. Is this a DATE? Like the first ever date of my life?
I’m so excited!!!

“How about one more. This shit is interesting even though I know what’s gonna happen.”

Dear Diary, 7 November 2016, 8:20pm
I know it’s weird that I’m writing so early but I just can’t keep it to myself any longer. AM I DREAMING RIGHT NOW?? I really hope I’m not but even if I am I want this dream to go on forever. Okay, so we did watch the movie together. The movie was awesome but I couldn’t really focus on that right now. I just couldn’t believe how introvert me was able to pull such a cutie. It was obvious by now that she also has feelings for me but deep down something in me was still telling me not to get ahead of myself. After the movie, while we were about to leave for our homes, I gathered up all my courage and….. said, “Would you …… like me to……… walk you to your house?” yeah I know I’m such a chicken but I just couldn’t say it. What if she doesn’t like me that way? What if she thinks it’s too sudden, or I’m going to fast? These questions were part of my insecurity which I couldn’t ignore.
So then, she agreed to let me walk her home and added that it would be great since she has SOMETHING to say to me.
That something was exactly what I wanted or thought it would be. She CONFESSED. The girl I’ve had a crush on for months and the girl I wholeheartedly believe to be my soulmate actually confessed to me. Her exact words were, “Harsh, I like you, I really do. I know this is all too sudden but I just can’t keep my feelings to myself anymore. I have noticed you and have had a tiny crush on you for quite some time now. I just wasn’t confident enough to talk to you. I was afraid you would pay no attention to me and I would be embarrassed in front of the whole class. But I still wanted to approach you somehow and that’s why I tried to talk to you at the garba too. And the way we got to know eachother through LOW is definitely destiny. Don’t you think? And about my confession it’s alright if you don’t want to answer right away, you can take your time. Wait am I talking too much again and not letting you speak?”
“No, no, it’s absolutely fine, I like listening to your talks anyways. And about my answer, this is not maths that I need time to think about it. I like you, and I’ve liked you for a very long time. I don’t know if it was when I saw you in that pretty yellow kurta on Ganesh puja in school or the day you were trying to mimic Tripathi sir in the lunch break that day with your hair on your nose for moustache, or when you performed on teacher’s day or when you swore at me for stealing your ace.” I said and with that I held her hands as I walked her back to her house. She even blew me a kiss before opening the gate to her house. My dream really came true.

“Lies, lies, all lies.” Harsh shouted as he threw the diary to the ground and it landed in a heap of dirty clothes.
Tanya came to Harsh’s room hearing his voice. She found a defeated looking Harsh sitting on his bed almost in tears. She hugged him and asked him what was wrong. He spoke as his voice was breaking “She lied. How could….. she…. lie…. pretend… break my innocent heart like that….. for such…..” he choked on his words as he realised what he was doing. He then moved away from Tanya and got himself together. He asked her not to worry and to go back to sleep. Tanya was confused and demanded him to tell the truth but Harsh dragged Tanya out of the room and shut her out. He then picked up the diary and tossed it in the bin and went off to sleep.