drainage

living apology

living an apology that you didn't ask for.
open mouthed , unhinged , livid
that he has to bare witness of this.
visionize that i am now healing and he's
still at the back of the bar
. bloody eyes at the fumble of a plastic coin.

his transgressions are the same as mine.
yet, i'm the only one who died.
slipping on my shoelaces after
two bottles back to back
and
drugs that are murderous with envy.

woke up stuck to a hospital gown, rinsed of sweat and self made regrets. waited for him for so long. occasionally, still waiting; when the bottom of the barrel becomes too much, and i can't find my willingness to move one.
"move on," they all crackled in.
i wrote him a couple times. seventeen times just in case... only to be reminded that i was the girl of unimportance. reminded that i am someone that he sliced through; and i not only reveled in the pain but sliced back harder.

sometimes, i forget that you are my vice
and i get a little too resentful.
sometimes i forget that it took both of us to ruin
and ruin
and ruin, ruin.
i hear your blame and give it an inch. how else can i light everything up with a good excuse? paint me the villian. gives me more reason to do what i do.

i read once that men are more calculated in their killings. girls are almost always a force of passion; hurting on whim. there is truth to it, i know from experience.