Her. (rough draft)

Caving

I cave.

I try pretending all the time that I'm okay. 

I try fixing other people's problems so I don't have to fix my own. 

But it was late.

I was tired.

More than tired.

I typed it up, and I sent it.

Not to her.

But to my best friend,

I don't know what the actual fuck I'm doing anymore.

I hate college, I hate it here.

I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong and I just keep messing up and my grades are slipping and my girlfriend is depressed. 

I don't want to be here anymore.

But if I drop out, wtf am I gonna do? Work at Dunkin till I'm 30?

I'm not good at real life. I know books and art, but that's not enough to live off of.

I'm given this great opportunity to go to college and make it out debt free and I'm getting a pointless degree because it's psych.

I'm anxious and all over the place and I feel like I've upset every person around me. Sometimes I feel like a mf bot.

A literal NPC.

And then I get time to think. 

And when I finally stop doing shit to let myself think, I cry.

I cry about anything and everything you can think of.

Failed that test? Cry.

My girl is having a depressive episode and I can't help? Cry.

Hate college but don't have anything better to do? Cry.

Can't remember my mom's voice? Cry.

I cry.

So I make myself busy. I have to.

It's like I'm running from my own brain and my brain is getting louder and louder and louder.

If I talk to my parents, they'll tell me to get over it. Life's tough, get a helmet. 

They want me to be successful and finish out the four years but I can't even talk to people without choking up anymore.  

I don't know how to do jack shit on my own and I'm coming to the realization that I can't function by myself?

Like, why the actual fuck am I so attached to her? It's been what. A month?

When she leaves, I will literally rot in bed. Wake up, maybe get a snack and then I'll go back to sleep.

I think to myself:

She leaves because I'm too much.

Because I am a lot. I'm like a 7 in 1, and not in the good way.

Everyday I wake up and I worry that she's going to wake up and be bored of me because it's the same routine over and over and over.

It's driving ME crazy.

I asked her sister if my girl is growing bored of me, she says that my girl is still obsessed but I can't tell over the fuckin depression and pms and shit.

But I don't know.

I feel like she could do so much better than me, but I don't want her with anyone else. 

I feel like I'm going insane.

Like life isn't real right now.

This is a lucid dream. I'm not actually texting you right now. 

I want to go back 5 years and do high school all over again. Kids were mean, but at least I could talk to them.

And I'm increasingly becoming bitchier, I can feel it in my giblets.  

I'm sorry I'm ranting this to you at like 3am. 

You'll wake up and be like "Oh, it's just her" and then BOOM. Its "I'm sad".

Idk what to do, man.

I miss being a kid. I can't remember my childhood, but I wanna wake up again and my biggest worry is "Did mom put onion on my tunafish sandwich for lunch today?"