Cozied up in a blanket alone in my room, some might say cocooned

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by Jtma07

by Jtma07

Alone. The word always seemed and seems scary. Alone used to mean being by myself, 12 years later and i can feel alone in a crowd of 100+ people. When i was younger my head was an escape, I've always been a day dreamer with a big mind and full of imagination. I could keep myself entertained with just my thoughts. It was like watching a movie in my mind, my biggest escape. 12 years later and i am now unable to escape my mind. As much as i love my brain i think he hates me, but to be honest i think everyone hates me. That's what he does to you. I never understood how hormones or puberty can cause you to hate yourself as much i do. I don't remember my talk about growing up ever mentioning how alone i will feel.

I used to wake up in my room all cozied up in a blanket, the sun leaching through my blinds and the sound of birds chirping. I would wake up excited to see what my day had in store for me and what adventures i will unfold. 12 years later and waking up is a chore. Not to seem over dramatic but i wake up look around and almost feel disappointed that I didn't die in my sleep. I don't know if this is because i hate myself or because the education system thinks it's a good idea to give 15-16year olds the most toughest exams of their life while they are going through the most emotionally challenging time of their life. Wake up, school, exams, homework, revision, sleep and repeat. Sometimes this routine makes me question why I'm putting in all this effort for a job that i will do for most of my life. You see 12 years prior to this the sound of having a job seemed amazing, unreal even. The thought that i could be anything i wanted, well i was spoilt for choice. Mhmmmm singer? Actor? Astronaut? Model? The possibilities were endless. Not only would i be doing all these fun things, but I would be getting payed for it! 12 years later and thought of dragging myself to work everyday till i am physically unable to makes my body shiver. Is this survival game really worth surviving in. Why do i want to live a life in a world I won't enjoy. Work and love seems to be the only objectives, but which one is really more challenging to secure?