Swift as a Coursing River (LGBT+) | ✓

18. Finding north

After their Disney marathon, Edwin thinks a lot about who his family would be, if he could choose. Ellen, of course. His daughters. Arno is more supportive than their parents, but he's wrapped up in his own life. If they weren't brothers, they would merely be acquaintances.

Beyond that, there's only Caroline. She's not his sister, how Edwin imagines it'd be to have a sister, but she's his oldest friend. They met when Caroline briefly dated one of Edwin's friends and their friendship persisted beyond the relationship, beyond secondary school. His other teenage friendships dissolved under the pressure of different degrees, dorms, new friendships and relationships. He made new friends at university, met Ellen. Fun friends, who only turned out to be homophobic or to like Ellen more after the divorce.

But he and Caroline travelled together, read the same epic fantasy books, nerded out about Middle Earth. His other friends were sports friends, party friends, couple friends, group friends, but Caroline was a one-on-one friend, a friend he trusted with the softer and insecure pieces of him.

They both married in the same year, one month apart. She was Ellen's friend too, by then, but she and Edwin still did things just the two of them. When Sandra was born, she became godmother. She'd never wanted children of her own, but she delighted in Edwin's joy, bought him dad mugs and took pictures when he wasn't looking. Half of his most cherished pictures of Sandra and Tamara growing up were taken by her. She leaned on him during her divorce, not Ellen, and Edwin had never been someone's first choice of emotional support before, except maybe Ellen.

Yeah, if he could pick his family, Edwin would pick her, a thousand times over.

Since his divorce, they've been calling almost every Sunday. Sundays are the hardest because everyone used to be home on them and now no one is, and Caroline gets it, how the silence makes him restless and he starts a thousand things. They've gone to Bonaparte a few Fridays, or out to dinner, or just at home, but on Sundays, Caroline often goes over to her parents to help them around the house. Her mum has been diagnosed with the early stages of Parkinson's and stresses too much about doing everything and her dad has a bad back, so Caroline cleans and does laundry and keeps the garden from turning into a true wilderness. After such a day, Edwin would also rather sit at home, so he deals with the physical emptiness where there should be someone else sitting on the couch, walking around the house, humming, talking, being present.

But today, Caroline is coming over directly from her parents to cook with him. It'll mostly be her watching and eating because she doesn't cook if she can avoid it, but cooking for someone is just as fun as cooking with someone. Doesn't hurt that Caroline is very enthusiastic about whatever he feeds her.

They chat about her parents, Tamara's job, Sandra's wedding, the book Caroline is reading, all throughout the prep work. When everything is on the stove, Edwin sits down at the table with half an eye on the pots and the other on Caroline.

She waggles her eyebrows. "So serious. Are you tired?"

"I'm fine. Just been thinking a lot."

"Always a dangerous activity with you." She doesn't say anything more, but she keeps looking at him. Edwin glances at the pots, that don't need his attention for at least another ten minutes.

"How well do you know Vincent?"

"Vincent? Well enough, I suppose. We're friends, but I mostly see him in Bonaparte. What about him?"

"I ..." Edwin relays the story of his opinions about make-up, the fight, his apology. "And now Vincent has been teaching me. About the history, and gender, and all the labels and words."

Caroline nods slowly. "Damn, Edwin. So much drama for quiet little you." She cracks a grin.

"I know. It's my own fault."