A Journey Through Time

Chapter 58 ~ Surrendering

Letting God handle everything in my life. The one thing I've been wanting to practice. The one thing I've been struggling with. God is ultimately the one who controls my life.

I want to be loved. I want my family's life to be easier. I don't want to be the cause of my own suffering anymore. But there's only so much I can do on my own.

All I can do right now is follow my current intuitions, striving for the goals that pull me into a direction that makes me better, and focus on the present moment and what's in front of me.

All I can do is continuously pour into the people around me, whether it's through community service or some other form of love.

All I can do is try my best in everything that I do, fleeing from sin and focusing on Him, trying my best everyday to give Him thanks for everything and lean on Him in the dark times, not relying on meaningless distractions but instead, caring for myself through the storms.

Of course, challenging myself is important in accomplishing my goals, but I have to give myself grace. God will provide for me. God will provide for my family. I can't keep chasing things. I have to allow things to flow naturally.

I have to allow my mind to rest. I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying about saving my family, making enough money, or just not being an independent adult. I'm tired of trying to love myself and be this perfect dream person I so desperately want to be.

What I ultimately want is freedom, something God has already provided. I'm ok. The only thing that has been restricting me is fear. Nothing will ever satisfy me. I have to be satisfied with where I am now instead of seeking satisfaction through independence, banking on that status to be the thing that makes me feel free. I'm still going to have worries at every age of my life. I'm going to be scared regardless. I'm never gonna feel like I'm enough.

I have to live life as if freedom has already existed and is still existing. I am ok. I just have to believe it once and for all. I've accomplished so much. God has brought me through a million storms. Why can't I just be happy that my life is fine right now? The only problems in my life are the ones I keep creating. I can focus on better things now. I can focus on having fun but I can also focus on Him. I can just exist. I just have to allow myself to.