those years between us

[24] CAT & MOUSE

  SOMETHING CHANGED BETWEEN us after that. I wasn't really sure what it was. But I felt the need to hide every time I saw him fade away, and we settled back into somewhat of an old pattern. We'd greet each other if we bumped into each other in our apartments. We didn't say much, but it was almost like we'd called a truce. But I wasn't sure how long it'd last, because this was hardly the first time this year we'd gone through this already, and I didn't want to have to put myself through the process again.

  For now my goal was to simply forget about all of this.

  Which was difficult, because Orion also seemed somewhat intent on pursuing me.

  It was a feeling I didn't know how to describe. When your dream for so many years finally came true, yet the consequences of it all had finally hit you square in the face and you started wondering if the dream really was as sweet as you'd originally thought, or if there were hidden thorns that were starting to cut into you now.

  It made no sense and every sense in the world all at the same time. Blissfulness and torture. Both at the same time. Knowing happiness was so close within reach that I could just say yes and fulfil all those years of pining, but at the same time knowing that the consequences were not ones I wanted to deal with.

  What was I meant to do?

  My heart screamed to just give in. That I could bear the consequences anyways, and at least I'd be happy for a while. My head said no. That it wasn't worth it. Thirteen years of friendship was not worth going down the drain. I could stay this way with him forever. Or at least, for a couple more years. Until he inevitably moved on and I had to as well.

  I could add a bit more onto the thirteen I'd already lived through. I'd survived so far.

  It wasn't just with Orion that things changed. Jeremiah too. I started seeing him less often, and it started to hit me that what I might have thought were coincidences before might have been purposeful on his part. It didn't really hurt me, but it did make me feel a bit guilty. Everyone else was right. I should have been more upfront with it earlier. And now, even if he says I hadn't, I'd hurt him.

  And apologising wouldn't make anything better. In fact, it might even make things worse. Which was just confusing, and now I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Or how I was supposed to fix things. Did I need to fix things? Because my attempts at fixing things usually seemed to make them even worse.

  Camille talked to me a couple times about it. We hung out a lot more than ever before, with her living so close. We talked about a lot, like why I rejected Orion, why I was still hiding myself away when I'd told myself I wouldn't, why I didn't listen to their advice and tell Jeremiah I wasn't interested earlier. But the more we talked about it the more miserable I felt, and Cami seemed to catch on. So the conversations stopped and we moved onto happier topics. We went around to cafes and visited new shops. Redchester was larger than I'd previously expected and we had the perfect chance to explore now, both of us trying to get away from our respective relationship troubles.

  I didn't ask her much about Dean either. But there seemed to be a situation there. I hadn't seen the two around each other much, and every time Dean was mentioned, Cami's expression was ponderous. Curious. And slightly bitter.

  I had to admit, though, in the deepest, darkest corners of my heart, I was secretly a bit relieved that Cami was experiencing this the same time I was. If one of us were in a happy and stable relationship while the other was going through things like this, it would just be awkward. But we weren't. We were both going through this together, and somehow that made it feel better. Eileen joined us sometimes, already past her heartbreak, though she didn't seem to have any new romantic attachments so far. Her standards had risen, she'd announced, to me and Cami's utter delight.