"What do you think is preventing your happiness, Stephen?"
"Staffan." I gawp at the question. Surely if I knew what was barricading my happiness I'd keep the fifty hard earned banknotes per session in the bank and live it up on a boat in Vienna?
The psychologist must sense my thoughts, because he winks and says: "Tell me why. Why can't you be happy."
His eye lashes are so thick and long. I'm jealous.
"How do I know? Aren't you the one who's supposed to tell me that?" I pick my nail polish, scraping it hard.
The psychologist notices. "That's a bad habit, my husband does it too."
I'm suddenly more interested than before. I assumed he was straight so it's surprising. He is so handsome, his black hair falling silkily over one foresty green eye, peachy skin covered in freckles all over, smile contagious.
"Your husband? How long have you been together?" I ask eagerly. You can never have too much information.
"Twenty one years. Married for four."
He doesn't seem to want to talk about his husband much more than the bare facts, because he starts trying to change the subject.
"What's he like?" I persist.
"Like a regular man, of course. Why?" He says defensively and writes something down in his notes. What did he write about me?
"Is that my file? What's it say?" I try to pull it down to see but he snatched it away.
"Hands off! It's confidential because it's a medical document... you made me lose my line. Ah! So what's making you unhappy?"
"My mother." I say automatically.
"But she's dead right?"
"... she used to make me unhappy. Made me believe I wasn't good enough, that's what manifested in my life. I thought I'd go to therapy, now the bitch can't stop me from airing out her dirty drawers."
"What did she do to you?"
"She tried to kill me. Because she said that way I'd never make anyone else unhappy the way i did her."
"We'll come back to that." He licks his paper and flips it. "Tell me about a time when you were happy. Describe your life at that time to me."
"There wasn't one. Not a day when I was happy."
"Are you sure? How about just peaceful?"
"No days like that. My anxiety ruins it all. I get so worried."
"So why haven't you tried to kill yourself, Staffin? End all this unhappiness?"
I stare at him, speechless. What? "Huh?"
"Come on, try tonight. I'm setting you homework. I want you to self harm by tomorrow, OK? Make it really hurt." He says seriously and rips out a page and gives it to me.
I stare at the homework scribbled in his soft swirly pencilled strokes.
He is insane.
YOU ARE READING
Special Salutations
HorrorSomeone will always see you as an enemy... even those who are close to you. Never love anyone. Ever.
