Eighteen Candles (you will remember me)

33.

Billie

TW:sexual abuse!

"You'll be fine. You've still got Julien and CHRIS. Why are you even complaining? You've get to smuggle with your boyfriend all day now," Flynn argues through the screen of my phone. "Don't you think you're ready to open the box?" My best friend wiggles her eyebrows.

I just laugh. I have thought about having sex with Chris any day soon but I don't think I'm ready yet. I know it's not actually easy to stay in a relationship without having sex all the time these days but my latest experience in being that close to a person was not actually sweet and romantic.

It's not like I'm afraid of Chris or that I would think he'd be the same as Austin but I don't think I can just do it with him without thinking of Austin and his hands on my body even though I never asked him to put them there.

Most people in my school think I have sex with a lot of people. That I am some kind of a whore. That I am just not that easy to crack but when you do crack me, you'd get the whole program.

Well most people are wrong. I had sex in my life for exactly one time and I decided to never have it again after that.

"You know it's also fine if you're not ready yet, right? And if Chris doesn't accept that, he's just not the-"

"No," I interrupt her. "I',l invite him over today and see how it'll goes. I can at least try, right?" I smile at the blonde beauty in front of my face.

Flynn is raising one eyebrow, narrowing her eyes at the same time.  "Don't push yourself, love."

I shake my head and smile at her. I Love Flynn with all my heart. I know no matter what happens, we will always find our way back to each other and even though we could never forgive each other for something, I know we?ve always got each other's back.

...

"Hey."

"Hi."

I Close the door behind Chris and let him in. I take his jacket from him and hang it to the others. He takes off his shoes and places them right next to mine.

I smile at him.

Chris looks fabulous today. He looks fabulous every day actually. He's just wearing a black hoodie and a blue pair of jeans but still, very handsome.

"You look hot, girlfriend!" he compliments me. My lips lift up.

Hot. They move back to normal.

"I hope you're hungry, cause I cooked. Well, I tried to. I made lasagne -tried to, it's not perfect- but I hope it still tastes good." I give him a small smile.

Chris walks towards the table on which I placed the big bowl with lasagne. "I know it doesn't look very tasty." I stare at the fucking disaster of lasagne. Not looking very tasty is not enough of bad words to describe this. I'd like to puke right onto this.

"Maybe it tastes better than it looks like," Chris says with a smile and I laugh.

Chris puts a portion of lasagne on my plate and one on his and waits for me to sit down in front of him. He moves the fork with lasagne towards his mouth-

His face crumbles and he says, "mmh amazing."

I swear I just saw a tear rolling down his face and start laughing. "Let's just order some pizza."

...

I'm laying in Chris's arms. He is stroking my head, twirling my hair around his finger. I Love This.

He turns my head and kisses me. I turn my back, my stomach now facing his'. Chris runs his hand through my hair, holding onto my neck now.

His other hand moves towards my my jumper, pulling it up slowly. My body shivers and I feel the hairs on my arms stand up. But I don't tell him to stop.

Chris starts kissing me stronger, hotter. He stops for a second, smiles and pulls my jumper over my head, leaving me in my soft pink lace bra.

I look at him. Think.

Chris moves his mouth over my throat, now sitting upright on the bed, me on his lap. His hands are on my back, his mouth on my throat.

"Chris," I speak.

He doesn't answer. A moan is the only thing that escapes his mouth.

"Chris. Stop," I whisper.

His tongue touches my throat and he starts sucking it. His hands move towards the clip on my bra.

"You'll enjoy it, don't worry."

...

"You'll enjoy it, don't worry," he says, opening his jeans.

I am clipped between his legs, him sitting on my lap. My wrists are red from him pressing them to the ground. My lips feel sore. My mind feels blank.

I stopped telling him to stop kissing me a while ago. He wouldn't stop anyway.

He kisses my throat again, a burning sensation ripping through my body. There must be a small wound from him sucking on it.

"You owe me a first time something, Billie Adams," he whispers and pulls down his pants.

...

"I told you to stop!" I yell and push Chris away from me.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks and I get up from his lap. I move away from the bed and cross my arms in front of my exposed chest. "Leave."

Chris gets up from the bed as well. "What? Why? What's wrong-"

"I told you to stop, that's what's fucking wrong! Leave!"

Chris steps towards me but I move away. "Just leave Chris, please," I whisper.

Chris sighs and leaves my bedroom. Before I hear the front door close he yells, "Give me a call when you get normal again!" Then he slams the door shut and I sink to the ground and cry.

...

It's raining outside. My hair is wet. My clothes are wet.

The rain drops are running down my face, mixed up with my tears.

I'm standing in front of a huge black door. The black door of a very familiar house. One I've known since I've been young. One I've spent half of my childhood in. One I've baked terrible cookies in.

A house I've always felt safe in.

The door opens and the darkest shade of green is the only thing I can focus on now.

"I didn't know where-"

Blake takes me in his arms, holding my face close to his chest. He kisses my head and whispers, "You'll be fine, Biscuit."

— — —

I turned 17 today.

I was kinda scared of this day, especially cause I thought I'd have more time to prepare. I hope this year doesn't move as fast as the last one, cause I'm definitely not ready to turn 18.

Might sound like a cool age but it scares the shit out of me.

I hope all of you are doing great.

I am very thankful for all of you reading this book and being patient with me.

I spent the whole afternoon writing this chapter for you. Think of it as a present! :)

Also, I wasn't motivated enough to edit it as well, so this is my first attend. Feel free to correct any wrong sentences in the comments!

<3