Eighteen Candles (you will remember me)

34.

!TW: MENTION OF RAPE!

Blake

I don't know what to do.

I've never felt this helpless before. My heart broke when Billie stood in front of me, tears rolling down her face. I didn't know what to do, so I followed my first instinct.

Tying her up in my arms and holding her close to my chest. And never let go.

Billie is now sleeping in my bed, snuggling with my covers. Her eyes are still red from crying. She hasn't stopped until she fell asleep.

I'm sitting at the edge of my bed and just look at her. She didn't tell me what happened. I didn't ask. Am I even in the position to ask what happened? She doesn't really recall me as one of her close friends. She did come to me, knowing no one else than me would be home.

I am the only one who lives close though. Maybe that's why she came to me.

I thought about calling Oliver or Flynn, even Julien or my mom. But I don't want to push her into a conversation she doesn't wanna have.

I'll just wait, I guess.

Billie's head turns to the other side. A quiet sniff escapes her mouth. She's looking down at her hands, playing with my covers. "Do you know why I hate being called hot or hearing how people would like to fuck me?" she whispers.

I frown. She looks so hurt and vulnerable, like if I'd blow some air in her face right now, she's brake into a million pieces, I don't even dare to answer. I don't dare to say a word. I just look at her. My chest in pain.

"There are rumors going around about me. How much of a good fucker I am. How well I can take cocks in my mouth. What a bless I am to undress. Many of them were spread by Gemma."

I just listen her, watching her eyes following her finger drawing circles on my covers.

"It's kind of ironic. People don't even see me as as hoe. They just think I'm good at sex and I didn't even had sex. Just once and I don't like to think back at that."

Billie looks up at me.

"I was raped. My parents knew. I told them right after. That's why Austin never came back to school. While doing it he told me how I owe him my virginity cause he didn't get my first kiss."

I slowly drag myself towards her. I lift up the covers and slip under. I throw my arm around Billie and hold her face to my chest softly. I move my mouth closer to her ear and whisper, "I am so sorry, Billie." I kiss her head. "I am so sorry."

"The last time I tried to have sex again I ended up having a panic attack. My mother calmed me down. Chris kissed me and it felt good. He exposed my chest and it felt strange. I told him to stop when he started kissing and sucking my throat. He didn't. I pushed him away and told him to leave."

My blood boils. My head burns. And I feel the strong need to rip his fucking chest open and pull his organs out.

"I am here for you to calm me down now. I need you to stay calm. I don't care what you want to do with him. I don't care how much you hate him. I just need you to hold me now."

...

I knock on the door and wait for Billie to whisper a come in back. She does and I enter my bedroom. She pulls down the hoodie I gave her and turns around.

Her eyes are still red, her hair put into a messy bun.

"Your whole pillow is wet. I'm sorry. I can wash it or-"

"I don't care, Billie."

She nods, mouthing a thank you. I lift my hand, holding a box filled with cookies and give her a small smile. I tried my best to not leave and beat the hell out of Chris or at least give him a warning call.

"I can leave tomorrow, my father will be back then."

I nod. "You stay as long as you need."

She nods.

We just stare at each other. I can't even count how many times I wished for Billie to stay in my room over night or for her to wear my clothes. Or to hold her in my arms until she falls asleep.

I can't even describe how sorry I feel. How helpless. I would have accepted her relationship with Chris eventually but now the only thing I'll accept is this bastard's head on a fucking stick.

"It's not your fault, you know. I don't want you to think it's your fault."

I don't answer. I don't regret stealing Billie's first kiss. I regret not seeing what happened. Not preventing it. I regret not drowning Chris in the ocean when I had the chance to or smacking a volleyball in his fucking face, so he'd ended up in a coma.

"I don't want you to tell Flynn or your mom. I'll tell my father and Julien but I don't want to be the reason Flynn's dreams get crushed. She deserves this. She earned it," Billie whispers.

I don't answer.

I follow Billie's eyes to my hands. She watches my fingers twitch.

Suddenly she starts to smile. Briefly.

"I was so in love with you back then. I couldn't breathe when you kissed me. I thought I was dying. It killed me to never be able to tell anyone. I told an old lady who was sitting on a bench. She wished me we'd stay together and grow old in love. When you kissed Gemma a week later, I started hating you."

...

I can't believe I just did that.

I kissed Billie Adams. My Little sister's best friend. She is younger than me. How embarrassing.

But I've always liked her brunette shiny hair. Her honey brown eyes, which I googled once cause I didn't know how the color was called.

I' vet been avoiding her since too. Every time she visited us, I went to Julien's. I did greet her though, cause I needed to see how she looked like. What she was wearing. My favorite is her dark blue dress, decorated with small white flowers. I love that dress.

But maybe my friends are right. Billie is too weird to be kissing her. She's not as cute and simple as the other girls in my school. She doesn't let anyone tell her what to do. She is not afraid to protect her friends and she doesn't care about people's opinion about her.

She also doesn't listen to any of the teachers. She doesn't want them to tell her what to do. She runs around the hallways, singing songs and I once caught her eating sand.

She is weird.

...

And I started hating myself right after.

— — —
Hii!!

How are all of you doing?

I finally got myself to write something again and I completely forgot on what the last chapter ended. Sorry for keeping you guys waiting! I try my best publishing more often.

I hope you're still enjoying this book!

Thanks for all the support and your patience with me!

<3