No More Tomorrows

Chapter 19: Once is Enough

"I did. But only once. The night you came to the Club was the first time, was the first and only time. Simon booked us a double session and there was no way I could get around it. He'd know I'd been lying if I didn't participate."

The look on her face was one I'd never forget. No matter how many years passed and how happy I made her I'd never forget the look of betrayal on her beautiful face. 

None of it seemed worth it now. Looking at her. Watching the tears fall down her cheeks none of the money or the plans seemed to matter.

I knew my grip on her hand had to be hurting but I couldn't let go. It felt like it was the only thing holding her here. 

"Say something. Yell at me. 

"I don't know what to say Grant. I think I was still hoping you'd sit here and tell me you didn't go that far. That you didn't cross that final line. Maybe I was subconsciously hoping you'd lie so I'd never have to know the man you'd become."

I was starting to panic. Her tone was so flat, almost emotionless. I couldn't lose her and in my panic I went on the defense.

"That's not fair Emily. You asked me to be truthful and now you're going to punish me for it!"

She yanked her hand from mine and if I didn't let go I'd truly hurt her, so I released her but quickly got up from my seat and rushed to kneel at her feet, reaching for her. Needing to comfort her.

"Do not touch me! If you touch me I think I will scream"

The pain in her whispered voice made me fall back on my heels. I couldn't bring myself to go back to the other side of the table but I would give her what space I could manage. 

"Tell me how to fix this Em. Tell me how to make this right. I won't lose you over one mistake. One night out of thousands isn't worth losing what we have."

"You don't get it do you? It wasn't one night. It was months of nights of me being here without you, months of weekends of me being alone. Me worrying where you were, worrying why you no longer wanted me. Wondering what I'd done. The amount of lies you told me is incalculable."

At the anguish in her voice I couldn't not touch her, so I tentatively placed my right hand on her thigh. She looked from my hand to my face and kept talking.

"You talk about fairness but what isn't fair is that you have lied to me for months. If I hadn't come to the Club that night I don't think you'd have ever told me. How many more times would you have had sex with her? How much longer would you have gone along with your bosses wishes so you could reach your dreams? Would I eventually have caught something from one of your sessions or would you have gotten her pregnant and given away yet another thing that was supposed to only be mine."

"Emily..." She was breaking my heart and I had to take it because I'd caused this. I would let her get all her grief out and then come up with a plan.

"Do you know I went and had an STD test this week. Had to go into the family planning clinic and a panel run on me in case I'd caught something from you. The humiliation I felt in that moment, when I wasn't even the one in the wrong."

"Oh Emily you didn't need to do that. I'd never put you at risk like that."

"But I didn't know that. All I knew was that you were visiting the back rooms in a strip club with the same stripper for months. Of course I assumed you'd been having sex with her. And I was right."

She gave a hiccup kind of sob and I couldn't handle it any more. I stood up and scooped her into my arms. She thrashed and slapped me, begging me to let her go but I couldn't. I couldn't risk her running from our apartment and never coming back. I needed to calm her down. I needed to fix this. 

It took a long time but she eventually settled and I sat with her in my arms while she sniffled and cried quietly on my lap. After what felt like hours she looked up at me with sad eyes. I was terrified about what would come out of her mouth.

"You realise that if you'd come to me after that first weekend and told me what happened I would have supported you. Whether that was walking away and looking for a new job where you weren't treated like that, or standing by you while you went to HR and filed a complaint. I would have been there for you."

I knew she would have. But I thought I could handle it. Keep the two parts of my world separate and still get everything I wanted. 

"Because Grant what your boss did was not okay. That was a form of harassment and bullying and nobody deserves that. The level of coercion and manipulation used is horrendous. But you didn't do either of those things. You chose to lie to me for over six months. You repeatedly touched another woman. You had group sex with your boss and two strippers. Those aren't the actions of the man I thought I'd spend my life with and I just don't know if we can get past this."

My heart was pounding. She sounded like she was giving up on us. She couldn't. I wouldn't let her.

"We can get through this Emily. We have loved each other since we were seventeen years old. Every first has been together. Please don't throw us away because I made one mistake. Please."

"I just don't know Grant. I just don't know."