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"hey ma, how are you?"
it was my weekly call to family that were back in australia.
"honey, i'm good, how are you? how's england?"
i had lived in australia for most of my life before moving across the globe to england to play professional football. i was only 19 when i got picked up by manchester city, the sky blues offering me a 3-year contract that i couldn't turn down. now, four years later, i was still here, still wearing the same sky blue jersey with pride.
"england's good. we've got another game on this week, a home game this time."
my family weren't always super supportive of my choice to be a footballer, but never said anything outright. i still knew of the disapproval, but that didn't stop me from playing.
"that's good, honey. found any guys that you like?"
my ma brushed off the football talk and quickly moved to her favourite topic. she was openly christian, as well as my pa, but she always had something to say.
"no ma, no boys. i've said this."
it was a lost cause from there because my ma was unrelenting in her lecture on how a woman belonged with a man, so on and so forth. i made up an excuse of how i had to go to practice or something just to get out of the call.
i couldn't even count on my fingers the amount of times i've been told that homosexuality is a sin, that's how much she's told me.
—— practice next day was nothing new, gareth had us running the normal drills with some one-touch shooting to finish it off before a break. all the girls were in the shade with the water coolers just chatting when i sidled up. lauren crept up behind me and squirted water on my head to surprise me. i shrieked and turned around to get her back.
we were basically best friends, being attached at the hip all the time and both being starting strikers for man city.
"loz! not cool!"
she cackled at my unimpressed expression and walked back over with a promise of no more water fights. we joined back into the conversation with the others, they were all laughing hysterically at alanna's story of a date she'd gone on with a girl and it hadn't gone to plan. each of the other girls then added in their own wayward date stories.
the little group turned to me and lauren, asking our opinions and stories. lauren was quick to tell her funny moments while i was quiet, thinking.
"what about you, y/n? any weird dates?"
the tallest of our group, bunny, broke me out of my thoughts with her question. i looked up, slightly caught off guard, and everyone had turned to look at me. about 5 pairs of eyes bore into me, psyching my brain out and panic rose in my mind.
"i- no. no stories. sorry i've got to go."
the anxiety got the best of me and i turned to run back inside of the changing rooms. in the back of my mind, i knew that i was being irrational and the girls would definitely have questions about my behaviour but that wasn't my priority right now.
all i could focus on was the quickening pace of my breath and the sound of my cleats when they hit the floor. i reached the lockers and sat in my cubby, eyes closed and trying to calm myself down. i was so in my head that i didn't hear the door open or anyone enter the room.
"y/n are you okay?" lauren's voice startled me and my eyes popped open.
"i'm fine."
i was apparently too quick to respond to that question when lauren cocked her eyebrow at me.
"ok so maybe i'm not fine."
i mumbled out and lauren moved to sit next to me. she didn't push me to speak, just sat with me until i was comfortable to tell her what was wrong.
"im scared.
everyone was talking about their dating stories, and i thought that i wouldn't be accepted."
most of the team were open about their sexuality and who they went out with, but i was the opposite. being brought up in an environment where the christian way was the only way, i was taught that a woman must be with a man and there was no other option.
"i thought that the girls wouldn't accept me."
"y/n we will support you no matter what. i will support you no matter what."
i knew from about the age of seventeen that i was anything but heterosexual. but i struggled to accept that fact in my own mind, which made it extremely hard for me to express that to others. i never talked about the topic, preferring to avoid it altogether.
but right now, lauren sitting next to me waiting for me to really tell her what was going on, i decided fuck it, tell her.
"ithinkilikegirls."
it came out rushed and the words strung together in one sentence that hid the real meaning.
"um, slower please?"
lauren had a smile on her face, but she knew how difficult a topic this was.
"i like girls."
three words that held so much meaning. lauren didn't say anything, she just pulled me into a hug. her hands rubbed up and down my back soothingly. i embraced the hug, tears slowly pricking at my eyes and i let them fall.
"i'm so proud of you."
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