december 17, 2023.
umm..so. i blocked jude (my ex bf)..i'm done trying to conform to being cis, i'm a boy and i have to live with that. i'll never be cis. never. as much as i try i never will be. i had a whole freakout last night, i panicked and messaged my friend liam this:
trigger warning! self harm. please proceed with much caution.
me: "okay so like yk the nails i bought"
me: "to summarize, i put them on and i felt icky so i tried peeling them off but ended up getting mad bc i couldn't take them off so i screamed and (tw, sh) cut again :c i honestly tried so hard to be a cis girl and now i'm done ffs"
me: "which..i lied and um. i didn't break up with jude. i blocked him cuz i was done trying to conform to being cis for him so he'd like me"
liam: "Oh :("
me: "://"
me: "i'm gonna try and sleep + clean up my cuts a bit, ily liam /p"
liam: "Well, I hope you feel better soon, just know, I'm always here for you, and I love you <3 /p"
liam: "Oh alr, hope you feel better!!"
me: "thanks buster 😼😼"
anyway, jude always deadnamed me, online and offline. i hated it. especially online. it made me feel so sick but i didn't want to upset him. i can't be upset at him, because this is my fault for not having boundaries with him. even though i did repeatedly say my name was jasper and i don't ever use my deadname..
anygays goodbye! i'm gonna listen to kets4eki
