i don't feel like an actual person anymore
like i'm serious i don't feel like an actual person
i feel like a pawn in someone else's life, just there for entertainment and that's it.
i feel like no one truly understands what i feel
they said "yeah i get it" but they don't.
they don't know what it's like to hate yourself to the point that you'd force your mind to suffer
i put myself through pain because i hate myself so fucking much
i'd rather make myself yearn for death than actually kill myself
i'd rather make myself think i'm better than everyone then purposely look at people mentally better than me just to crush my own self esteem
i submit to people's expectations of me so they'll think i'm a good person
but in the end i'll self sabotage and make myself do horrible things
horrible things that i don't even know i'm doing
things i'd look at and be terrified of
but part of me always says i'm right, that i deserve this
i deserve endless suffering
i deserve every part of it
every single part
the mental torture, pain, abuse.
everything
i deserve it all
but that's not my thoughts
that's someone else
so the real question is
who is it?
who's self sabotaging me? who is it? because the jasper i know wouldn't do this
he's kind
he used to be precious and innocent
then he snapped one day and decided to fuck everyone over, ghost them and make everything about himself.
he always played the victim even if he did something terribly wrong
so, is this even jasper?
am i jasper?
