The Burning Fire Of Love, And That Of Death

Three, Shrapnels Of Good

TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide

Ryan wasn't good at a lot of things. But, she was good at getting lost in books. It was easier than living in real life. It was like getting lost in someone's mind, except you could still remain detached. Over the past year, she'd began intentionally finding books about suicide.

It had started when she'd read 13 Reasons Why. Now she was getting into All The Bright Places. It wasn't just books about suicide. Sometimes just books about death in general.

Weirdly, they helped her. Last year had been the pinnacle of it, and, although she was incredibly ashamed of it, she'd held a knife dangerously close to her skin. Nowadays, she didn't often feel like that, but she was still unable to look at her wrists. They just seemed so delicate, so easy to destroy. It was terrifying.

She would've thought that books about suicide would make things worse, but in fact, some days, they were the only things keeping her alive. Reading about the aftermath of death, the horrors it left for the people close to the one who'd died, helped her understand the multitude of pain she could cause others if she ever did something as horrible as that. She knew the feeling all too well, but it could remind her if she ever, ever forgot it, even for a second.

Too quickly though, she was forced to look up from her book. The alarm from her phone rang, which meant she had to leave for school. She packed up her bag and hopped onto her bike. Her dad had painted it teal for her six years ago, and she loved the old thing. It had been her mom's before she'd been born. It was a classic. The gears still made some weird clicking noise and didn't shift, but how could she give up something so full of memories?

She listened to music as she biked. She didn't do this when she was biking down busy streets, but her school route was just down some unpopular backstreets and it was on low. She still managed to get lost in it, though. Music was an amazing distraction from the hellhole that was life. She stopped at the crosswalk right by her school and took a few minutes to talk to Natalie, the crossing guard. But then she arrived at school, awkwardly walking her bike through the crowded schoolyard.

After locking her bike, she plopped down against the school wall and re-lost herself into her book until the bell rang, at which point she reluctantly closed the book and all but ran to her locker to avoid human interaction.

While she was walking, she noticed Emily in the hallway. Ryan gave a little wave, and Emily completely ignored her.

This had become routine. Even her first day back at school from her injury, none of the three girls had so much as looked at her. She didn't know why. Her only guess was that Elliana was mad at her for talking to Jason so much, which was stupid. All she did was listen to him rant and give him advice while he forgot that she was an actual human being with her own feelings and purposes other than helping him out.

Whatever, she thought. No one other than Mom, Dad, Cole or Aiden would ever care about her.

Speak of the devil. Aiden sauntered over to her with that confidence she could never have.

She remembered the first time he'd talked to her in the hallway. Everyone had been confused why Aiden had been talking to someone who wasn't in his popular circles. For the next few days, everyone tried to talk to her. That had stopped quickly when everyone realized that she didn't talk. For a while they'd thought she was mute. For a while she had been.

She'd gone back to talking a few months later, because there was no point not talking and she was tired of people not understanding her. By then it was too late. But what did she care? Being popular was probably her worst nightmare. She didn't want popularity, although some friends would be nice.